


Oh God Oh Fuck the Egos Have Cellphones

by intellexual_asexual



Category: A Heist With Markiplier (Web Series), CrankGameplays - Fandom, Jacksepticeye Power Hour (Web Series), Markiplier TV (Web Series), Who Killed Markiplier? (Web Series)
Genre: 18 chapters in and i finally realize that i forgot my fucking beta tag kfdjghlj, 22 chapters in and i finally realize that i forgot AN ENTIRE CHARACTER KJGFHKGHKD, Angst, BWAHAHAHA OK WHO CAUSED LUNKY TO HAVE A TAG, FESS UP IMMEDIATELY I JUST WANNA TALK KJFDSHGLKGJ, Gen, Googleplier/Chase Brody - Freeform, also i should add the tag for my BeansTM crackship, also mini bing only lives for like ten minutes sjdfhljkas, and the ideas for these came to me literally at the speed of sound, but its going to happen i can feel it jkghslh, but its not really explicitly stated yet jghlshdlj, chapter 13 is literally just a picture of chickfila cheese sauce, honestly this is really fucking fun, no beta we die like actor mark, no i am not lying, oops um uh, should i put that in the relationship tag? well im not going to kjgklhjsgl, sowwy guys 😔, uh oh!!, um uh weekly uploads now because i am swamped with work jkfghlhs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-12 07:20:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 25,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29131707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intellexual_asexual/pseuds/intellexual_asexual
Summary: *heavy breathing* e g o  c h a t  f i cThat's it, that's the summary
Comments: 100
Kudos: 52





	1. "did we just bully THE darkiplier into leaving a group chat"

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah the summary was pretty vague oops sfkjghkflj But basically the egos get placed into group chats "in case of emergencies" but they rarely use it in case of emergencies. I mean they all live in the same fucking houses so kfjgkdfjld. Anyway enjoy!

7:48 am

_BUMBUM created a group chat_

_BUMBUM named the chat room_ **_Ipliers_ **

_BUMBUM added darkiplier_

_BUMBUM added damuffinman_

_BUMBUM Google_Blue_

_BUMBUM added sk8tr bruh_

_BUMBUM added spectactularshowhost_

_BUMBUM added shut up NURSE_

_BUMBUM added HOST_

_BUMBUM added sun boi_

_BUMBUM added goin nutty_

_BUMBUM added theonewiththemic_

_BUMBUM added theonewiththecamera_

_BUMBUM added muffins4senpai_

_BUMBUM added knockoffzuko_

_BUMBUM added insert whip crack_

Hey guys! **:you**

I made this group chat for emergencies **:you**

But you can use it for nonemergencies too :) **:you**

_BUMBUM left the chat room_

**muffins4senpai:** wait why would he make us a group chat ksdjgflj

 **muffins4senpai:** we all live in the same fucking house

_muffins4senpai changed the chat room name from_ **_Ipliers_ ** _to_ **_literally the stupidest fucking thing ever_ **

**goin nutty:** hey quick question: where’s magnum

 **shut up NURSE:** captain doesn’t use his phone

 **goin nutty:** i meant in the house you expired ding dong

 **goin nutty:** but yeah i was going to ask that next

 **sk8tr bruh:** that is the funniest ******* insult ive ever seen

 **spectacularshowhost:** hahahahaha not the censorship

 **spectacularshowhost:** i cant believe it actually does that through text too

 **sk8tr bruh:** says the dude who actually typed out “hahaha” instead of keysmashing

 **spectacularshowhost:** you right you right ill shut up now

 **darkiplier:** @goin nutty I belive Captain Magnum is near the picnic benches in the backyard.

 **goin nutty:** ok thank you sir

 **darkiplier:** You’re welcome, King.

 **darkiplier:** We need to establish some rules for this group chat

 **darkiplier:** because even though Fischbach said we may use it for nonemergencies,

 **darkiplier:** we need to be able to tell when there’s an emergency

 **muffins4senpai:** ok well if theres an emergency we have to type “AHHHHH THERES AN EMERGENCY” before we say what it is

 **muffins4senpai:** type I if you agree

 **muffins4senpai:** I

 **shut up NURSE:** I

 **sk8tr bruh:** I

 **sun boi:** I

 **theonewiththemic:** I

 **theonewiththecamera:** I

 **knockoffzuko:** I

 **insert whip crack:** I

 **darkiplier:** Yan I think that is a horrendous idea

 **muffins4senpai:** yeah well its short and to the point

 **muffins4senpai:** and majority rules old man

 **knockoffzuko:** whoa whoa whoa dont disrespect gramps like that yan

 **muffins4senpai:** you right 😔

 **muffins4senpai:** my bad peepaw 😔

_sk8tr bruh changed_ **_darkiplier_ ** _’s name to_ **_peepaw_ **

_peepaw left the chatroom_

**sk8tr bruh:** did we just bully THE darkiplier into leaving a group chat

 **muffins4senpai:** fs in chat for our fallen leader. may peepaw rest in peace

 **sk8tr bruh:** f

 **damuffinman:** f

 **knockoffzuko:** f

 **insert whip crack:** F

 **sun boi:** F

 **HOST:** The host asks why his phone is glitching and vibrating at frequent intervals

 **spectacularshowhost:** host how do you even have access to this chat room

 **sun boi:** text to speech i think

 **knockoffzuko:** text to speech

 **insert whip crack:** text to speech

 **muffins4senpai:** text to speech dumbass

 **HOST:** The host’s phone is doing it again, and the host is very confused

 **sk8tr bruh:** wait hold on guys let the jims explain

 **Google_Blue:** Bing that is a horrible idea

 **sk8tr bruh:** too late tin can theyre typing lsdjfhsklg

**theonewiththemic: 🎮📲📞💾☎️⏰🧼🗑🧭🎙**

**theonewiththecamera: 🧭🧼☎️📞🎮🗑🎙⏰💾**

**HOST:** The host regrets ever asking

 **HOST:** …

 **HOST:** The host may need Googleplier’s assistance. He thinks his phone is experiencing a stroke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah shit i forgot a key slgkhdlf  
> darkiplier is Dark  
> damuffinman is Wilford  
> Google_Blue is Google  
> sk8tr bruh is Bing  
> spectacularshowhost is Bim  
> shut up NURSE is Dr. Iplier  
> HOST is Host  
> sun boi is Eric  
> goin nutty is King  
> theonewiththemic is RJ (Reporter Jim)  
> theonewiththecamera is CJ (Cameraman Jim)  
> muffins4senpai is Yan  
> knockoffzuko is Yancy (its a Grease reference lsgjhddlf)  
> insert whip crack is Illinois


	2. "did we really just lose a bright purple manchild"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ok heres a key, at the beginning this time where it belongs kfjdghkjj  
> glithbitch is Anti  
> zee good doktah is Schneeplestein  
> chase daniels is Chase (get it? instead of jack daniels its chase daniels? its funny because he was an alcoholic kjdfghks)  
> supermarketspiderman is Jackie  
> Marvin and Jameson start with their names and then get changed so ksjhdfldj  
> peepaw is Dark, and yes I am going to keep it that way  
> your freestyle dance teacher *dances* is Bernice (headcanon that all of the cranks are, like, addicted to Vine kjshalkj)

8:03 am

_TossBoy created a group chat_

_TossBoy named the chat room_ **_Septics_ **

_TossBoy added glitchbitch_

_TossBoy added zee good doktah_

_TossBoy added chase daniels_

_TossBoy added supermarketspiderman_

_TossBoy added Marvin the Magnificent_

_TossBoy added jameson jackson_

Hey guys :) **:you**

This room is here in case something drastic happens at the house **:you**

which would not be surprising in the slightest **:you**

Just try not to burn it down, like usual **:you**

_TossBoy left the chat room_

**glitchbitch:** you guys are boring god

_glitchbitch changed_ **_Marvin the Magnificent_ ** _’s name to_ **_pussy talented it does card tricks_ **

_glitchbitch changed_ **_jameson jackson_ ** _’s name to_ **_puppetkjdfbkgsd_ **

_glitchbitch changed the chat room name from_ **_Septics_ ** _to_ **_the pissbabies_ **

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** anti what the fuck

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** also i thought you used glitch effects on your texts

 **glitchbitch:** w̷͇͑o̸̡̺̜͊ű̸̧̙̮̹͐͝l̸̨͖͇̯̻͗d̷̼̱̞̪͖͋ ̵̡̺̯͍̦̈̈́͆͘y̵̡̛̳̞̫̝̻͊̓͑̏͋ơ̸͚͇̫̬̼̒̅u̸̬͕͉̗͈͝͝ ̴̨̢̤̫̌̉̊̆ļ̷̩ḭ̷̡̬̟̰̇͠ͅķ̴̠̜̖̈͆̄͘ë̸̗͚͙̩̓̓̎̊͜ ̴̰̼̘̙̮͂͋̋m̴̠͕̝͛̆̒͜e̶̖̽̏̈̉̾ ̵̧̛͌̃͘̚͠ṭ̸̭̌͜ȯ̴̬̪̘̖͉͎́̃͑͘?̶̣̬̗̂̎̒̐̽

 **supermarketspiderman:** marvin you just had to say something smh

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** no please dont use the effects im sorry

 **zee good doktah:** Wait where is robbie?

 **chase daniels:** rob cant use a phone :(

 **chase daniels:** well wait he can use a phone he just cant type good

 **supermarketspiderman:** how do you know robbie can use a phone??

 **chase daniels:** he beat my candy crush high score :((((

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** you play candy crush? jeez no wonder we call you a boomer

 **chase daniels:** then whats schneep??

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** ok true

 **zee good doktah:** I am right here huys

 **chase daniels:** huys

 **supermarketspiderman:** huys

 **glitchbitch:** huys

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** huys

 **zee good doktah:** Oh fuck off

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** Do any of you know where Robbie went to? I was watching him but he just… disappeared on me.

 **glitchbitch:** woah it is weird seeing jj speak

 **zee good doktah:** What do you mean speak, he cant talk and you know that

 **glitchbitch:** i mean i use all of your voices to read your texts in my head

 **glitchbitch:** but i dont know what fucking voice to use for jj

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** ooh ooh do a really deep one

 **glitchbitch:** wait actually it kind of works

 **chase daniels:** @puppetkjdfbkgsd i think hes out in the yard, but im looking out my window and i dont see him

 **supermarketspiderman:** chase is he outside or not

 **chase daniels:** idk man i swear i saw him walk out but hes not there now!!

 **supermarketspiderman:** well then where the fuck is he chase

 **chase daniels:** i dont know!!! :((

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** did we really just lose a bright purple manchild

 **glitchbitch:** i blame jj

 **chase daniels:** yeah its jjs fault jackie idk why youre yelling at me 

**chase daniels:** thats not nice :(

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** It’s not my fault that Robbie pretty much teleports away every time you look away from him

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** i mean maybe he can

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** we might need to consult the parent

 **glitchbitch:** no wait no dont bring him back in here

_pussy talented it does card tricks added TossBoy_

_pussy talented it does card tricks changed_ **_TossBoy_ ** _’s name to_ **_mothern_ **

Did something happen in the literal five minutes since I made the group chat? **:you**

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** yes

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** Unfortunately yes

 **chase daniels:** yup

 **glitchbitch:** no everything is fine

Alright what did you all do **:you**

 **supermarketspiderman:** jj would you like to explain what you did

Jackie I dont believe that Jameson is capable of doing anything wrong **:you**

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** Mr. McGloughlin I lost the child. I lost Robbie. I am a horrible monster of a man.

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** I need to know if he is scripted with the ability to teleport

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** I turned away from him for all of two seconds and he was gone, and we all know how slow he walks

You guys know that I havent ‘scripted’ anything for any of you right **:you**

None of you were planned lol so if Robbie can teleport I wouldnt know about it **:you**

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** are you fucking kidding me right now

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** you know what fine then ill contact the other egos

_mothern left the chat room_

_pussy talented it does card tricks added peepaw_

_pussy talented it does card tricks added your freestyle dance teacher *dances*_

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** Dark, Bernice, help

 **peepaw:** Well spit it out, Marvin, I don’t have all day

 **your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** im sorry we’re just going to gloss over the fact that darks screen name is PEEPAW?!?!

 **peepaw:** I can not change it back and I am three seconds away from ripping apart a certain pair of androids

 **peepaw:** And Marvin will be next if he doesn’t explain what is happening

 **your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** just scroll up dude

 **your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** oh shit you guys lost robbie?? wow 10/10 siblings

 **your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** honestly the group chat name is right you septics are a bunch of pissbabies

 **supermarketspiderman:** wow thanks bernice

 **supermarketspiderman:** but yeah we lost him and its jjs fault

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** I apologize 😔

 **your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** dude its fine honestly 

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** ill keep a lookout. If robbie shows up over here ill bet all of you ten bucks that he’ll be in the kitchen with mrs thomson

 **peepaw:** I suppose I will watch for him as well. He would most likely be with Derekson or Yan if he did somehow appear gere

 **supermarketspiderman:** gere

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** gere

 **chase daniels:** gere

 **glitchbitch:** gere

 **your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** get his ass

_peepaw left the chat room_


	3. "and for the love of god if you see father tell him the ipliers lost a squirrel or something"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alright alright here's the key  
> wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi is Mike  
> fedUPSwithyourshit is Post  
> Yahoo! is pretty obvious jgkslfajdl  
> literal piss baby is Unus  
> blanketboy is Blank but he doesnt really use his phone unless hes talking to Eric

8:08 am

_your freestyle dance teacher *dances* created a group chat_

_your freestyle dance teacher *dances* named the chat room_ **_robbie protection/location squad_ **

_your freestyle dance teacher *dances* added blanketboy_

_your freestyle dance teacher *dances* added wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi_

_your freestyle dance teacher *dances* added fedUPSwithyourshit_

_your freestyle dance teacher *dances* added Yahoo!_

_your freestyle dance teacher *dances* added literal piss baby_

guys we have a situation **:you**

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** if its anything like the chat name then im going to have a talk with the septics

 **fedUPSwithyourshit:** wait what happened to robbie bernice

if youd let me fucking type i could tell you jeez **:you**

james was supposed to watching robbie but he disappeared **:you**

 **Yahoo!:** Jameson or Robbie

who do you fucking think **:you**

yahoo youre an android youre not supposed to be braindead **:you**

 **Yahoo!:** Ouch OK

 **fedUPSwithyourshit:** why didn’t you just use the other group chat

 **fedUPSwithyourshit:** maybe youre the braindead one ber

Im not getting father involved bc im not sure how hed react to robbie **:you**

Or nestor because he has twenty million other things to do other than locating a zombie **:you**

 **Yahoo!:** OK OK do they know where he last was?

chase said he might have been in the backyard but he wasnt sure **:you**

And it turns out sean doesnt know if robbie is able to teleport since he wasnt scripted **:you**

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** oh shit so robbies like us?

apparently all of them are, the fans made them first and then sean decided to use them **:you**

kind of like dark in 2012 actually **:you**

 **Yahoo!:** How do you even know about that?

 **Yahoo!:** We weren’t around then, not even Blank

wilf **:you**

 **Yahoo!:** OK that makes sense

 **fedUPSwithyourshit:** are we going to get back to finding the child???

Yeah ok so i need all of you to keep a lookout **:you**

and i need someone to tell gran because robbie will most likely gravitate to her **:you**

its that fucking parent energy that hes attracted to dlsfjhlhkg **:you**

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** am i allowed to go chew the septics out

sure ig **:you**

hey wait make sure to ask chase and james more questions **:you**

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** you got it ber

 **Yahoo!:** I’ll stay outside and make sure that if Robbie appears he doesn’t walk into the pool and drown

 **fedUPSwithyourshit:** ill go around the specials in case he runs into gooz

 **literal piss baby:** i guess i’ll stay in the living room then, after i tell mrs. thomson our problem

perfect then since i was planning on patrolling the bedroom hallway **:you**

If any of you come across him you need to call me or marvin ok **:you**

 **literal piss baby:** yes ma’am

 **Yahoo!:** Yes ma’am

 **fedUPSwithyourshit:** yes maam

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** yes maam

and for the love of god if you see father tell him the ipliers lost a squirrel or something **:you**

i really dont want another witchcraft incident **:you**


	4. "what if i said that i don’t agree with bim’s plan"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it feels really weird for me to not be leaving notes at the beginning of chapters for this so here skjdkljf

8:08 am

_damuffinman added peepaw_

Thank you, Wilford. **:you**

I hate to use Yan’s plan, but “AHHHHH THERES AN EMERGENCY” **:you**

The Septics have a problem. Robert has gone missing **:you**

And Google and Bing, you two need to change my username immediately **:you**

 **sk8tr bruh:** oh uh

 **sk8tr bruh:** see we um

 **sk8tr bruh:** heres the funny thing about it gramps

 **Google_Blue:** Bing has somehow configured your new username to be permanent.

 **sk8tr bruh:** well i was going to let him down gently but thanks googs ig

 **muffins4senpai:** bing oh god you might want to run

 **muffins4senpai:** i just heard his roar of rage from halfway across the manor

 **sun boi:** so i guess they won’t be able to help find robbie?

 **knockoffzuko:** its alright well find him sun

 **knockoffzuko:** i dont know how much help bing would be anyway lol

 **sk8tr bruh:** im still here and ill get you for that later

 **spectacularshowhost:** i think i know how to find rob

 **spectacularshowhost:** if we all stay within sight of eric well be good

 **insert whip crack:** uh i

 **insert whip crack:** thats a really good idea actually

 **muffins4senpai:** i call first dibs on eric watching duty

 **knockoffzuko:** aww no fair you type too fast

 **sun boi:** what if i said that i don’t agree with bim’s plan

 **muffins4senpai:** im assuming this is a hypothetical situation

 **muffins4senpai:** and in this hypothetical situation i would say to you eric

 **muffins4senpai:** ‘too bad because if illinois, dumb as he is, agreed to the plan then we have to do it’

 **spectacularshowhost:** thems the rules bud

 **insert whip crack:** thats not nice yan :(

 **sun boi:** wha

 **sun boi:** are you all serious

 **sun boi:** please tell me you’re joking

 **sun boi:** nevermind you’re not joking i can see yan running up to me

 **sun boi:** hleppppppppppppppppoiouippuppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp

 **knockoffzuko:** jeezus yan you’re killin him

 **shut up NURSE:** i have been ignoring this group chat but i think now is the time to intervene

 **shut up NURSE:** eric type a peach emoji if you’re safe

 **sun boi:** 🥭

 **shut up NURSE:** close enough

 **muffins4senpai:** you couldve chosen any emoji for him to use as a safeword and you chose the peach???

 **knockoffzuko:** lets maybe not talk about safewords or peaches when illy an bim are in the same chat

 **insert whip crack:** you rang

 **spectacularshowhost:** you rang

 **sun boi:** can we please get back to finding robbie?? please?

 **sun boi:** im going outside to make sure he doesn’t appear there

 **sun boi:** wait dark are you done dismantling bing

I did not yet get the opportunity, but is there something you need Derekson? **:you**

 **sun boi:** yes um

 **sun boi:** can robbie teleport?

The Septics have no known knowledge of if Robert has the ability, and apparently McGloughlin has no control over Robert’s character. **:you**

 **sun boi:** thank you sir

You’re welcome. **:you**

 **sun boi:** ok guys im going outside now with yan

 **damuffinman:** you know we should add fishie back in here

Wilford do not. **:you**

_damuffinman added BUMBUM_

**damuffinman:** too late!!!!!!!!

 **BUMBUM:** Did something happen? Are you guys ok?

 **BUMBUM:** Oh no is the house on fire again

 **BUMBUM:** Guys come on I don’t think I can find 20 more fire extinguishers

 **spectacularshowhost:** robbie went missing

 **knockoffzuko:** robs gone boss

 **insert whip crack:** robbie escaped

 **theonewiththemic:** 🍀🚓🚙🏡🧸✂️💜⚛️🚹⏪

 **theonewiththecamera:** 🟪🟣🍀🏡🚙✂️🧸⏰💀👎

 **shut up NURSE:** i think robbies missing

 **BUMBUM:** Uh maybe I should just ask Dark

Fischbach I did not want to involve you in this but Robert from the Septics is missing. **:you**

Jackson was supposedly watching him but he disappeared suddenly. **:you**

And McGloughlin does not have control over what the zombie’s powers are. **:you**

 **BUMBUM:** Well shit he could be anywhere then

 **BUMBUM:** I guess Ill call Seán and ask him what he wants me to do even though I probably wont listen

 **BUMBUM:** Unless he tells me to be on the lookout, because of course I would want to help

 **BUMBUM:** And you guys better help too

 **BUMBUM:** Dont think I didnt scroll up and saw only Eric trying to find Robbie

 **knockoffzuko:** you got it boss

 **shut up NURSE:** alright

 **spectacularshowhost:** ok

 **damuffinman:** ok doki fishie

 **insert whip crack:** ok

_BUMBUM left the chat room_

All of you are responsible for patrolling the Manor. Claim your spots now. We know Derekson and Yan are in the yard already. **:you**

 **spectacularshowhost:** wilf and i can take the studio and maybe that little hallway next to it

 **knockoffzuko:** i got the bedroom hallway

 **shut up NURSE:** i am staying in my office. if robbie appears he will most definitely attach himself to either eric or magnum

 **insert whip crack:** oh yeah magnum has no idea whats happening. Ill go tell him i guess

 **theonewiththemic:** 🥬🥦🥒🥝🌽🍞🥯🥞🍳🧀

 **theonewiththecamera:** 🥟🍣🍛🍜🌮🍖🥩🥨🌶🍌🍇

I am going to assume that means the Jims are going to be in the kitchen. **:you**

 **spectacularshowhost:** wait dark where are you going to be

I will be visiting the Cranks, because god knows if any of them are capable of actually following through with a plan. **:you**

But before that I need to find where Bing went to. I am not letting this go unpunished. **:you**

 **spectacularshowhost:** ok boomer

 **knockoffzuko:** ok boomer

_Google_Blue changed_ **_peepaw_ ** _’s name to_ **_peepaw the resident boomer_ **

Google is next. The both of you need to come out of your workshop now. **:you**

 **sk8tr bruh:** what if i told you that we were looking for rob

 **Google_Blue:** We are indeed attempting to locate Robert

 **shut up NURSE:** you two need to stop, darks screaming is interrupting my work

_peepaw the resident boomer left the chat room_


	5. "but anyway blank found robbie"

12:37 pm

guess who found our boyyyyyyyyy **:you**

 **chase daniels:** out of all the people to find robbie i did not expect it to be anti

it wasnt me dumbass **:you**

i told you to fucking guess who did **:you**

 **chase daniels:** ok jeezus um

 **chase daniels:** was it one of the ipliers

 **chase daniels:** fuck wait i hope it wasnt one of the ipliers 

**chase daniels:** except eric id trust him

none of you would ever get this correct **:you**

wait brody are you the only one on?? **:you**

 **chase daniels:** uh i think so. mike came over and i think hes still beating up the others

yikes im glad i can teleport **:you**

but anyway blank found robbie **:you**

 **chase daniels:** your jokin anti

 **chase daniels:** your fuckin jokin theres no way

yeah and now theyre best buds apparently **:you**

 **chase daniels:** well good on him i guess

 **chase daniels:** poor kid needed more friends

 **chase daniels:** is robbie still over there

yeah but bernice called me and i heard him over the phone **:you**

chase you wont believe me but robbie was actually speaking **:you**

it was only like small sentences and they were drawn out but the kid was talking **:you**

 **chase daniels:** i might need to go over there for myself

 **chase daniels:** youre right i dont believe you but if rob is talking i might actually cry

since when are you not crying **:you**

 **chase daniels:** anti now is not the time

 **chase daniels:** i need to track down marvin

 **chase daniels:** wait where are you? I could just teleport with you

no you are not doing that ridealong shit **:you**

do you know how hard that is brody **:you**

 **chase daniels:** ok ok fine ill find marvin then

 **chase daniels:** i think mike left because i dont hear screaming anymore

what the fuck was mike doing to make them scream **:you**

 **chase daniels:** it looked like some sort of waterboarding but not really

 **chase daniels:** i dont know and im glad i hid in my room

 **chase daniels:** ok i found marvin should i tell him that they found robbie

no you fucking idiot let robbie have some more time with his friend **:you**

 **chase daniels:** since when were you like this

brody if you send that next sentence i will come over there and decapitate you in front of eric **:you**

 **chase daniels:** aw shit i forgot you can see through screens or whatever

 **chase daniels:** ok i guess i wont send it

just call one of the cranks or ask the pussy to make a portal **:you**

 **chase daniels:** since youre insisting that i dont interrupt the kids playdate

 **chase daniels:** ill just call yahoo or something

 **chase daniels:** wait i could facetime him thats even better

 **chase daniels:** ok bye im going to see our boy be happy

 **zee good doktah:** Alright what are you all doing to make my phone vibrate every half second

scroll up boomer **:you**

 **zee good doktah:** Oh you found Robert! JJ will be happy

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** ok why did chase walk up to me look at his phone and then walk away

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** wait i scrolled up nvm

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** seriously anti you found robbie and didnt tell us

are you stupid **:you**

this is a group chat dumbass i did tell everyone **:you**

and i didnt find robbie blank did **:you**

did you even fucking read the chat god **:you**

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** ok ok so maybe i cant fucking read whatever

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** but ill have to see it to believe that blank is with robbie

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** that boy is like never seen out of his room

 **zee good doktah:** I think meeting the Ipliers helped him out of his shell

 **zee good doktah:** But yes I am surprised too

 **zee good doktah:** I think I want to join in on Chases call to see if this is real

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** yeah me too

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** anti do you know where he went

hes definitely not in his specialty room **:you**

and his door is definitely not unlocked now **:you**

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** thanks anti i owe you

 **zee good doktah:** Wait was that sarcasm Anti?

 **zee good doktah:** Nevermind Marvin just ran into me. It was not sarcasm


	6. "i am beginning to regret my decision to move over here"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to let you all know that I just happened upon a Quackity x Obama work and it is somehow the worst and best thing I've ever read. I don't know if I'll ever be able to match the energy of that fic.

11:52 am

are you all seeing this **:you**

im **:you**

is that blank and robbie **:you**

holy shit **:you**

 **fedUPSwithyourshit:** wait what

 **fedUPSwithyourshit:** bernice are you serious where are you

looking outside to the patio **:you**

i think theyre drawing **:you**

oh my god blank is smiling **:you**

ahhhhhhh i think robbies laughing **:you**

im crying oh my god **:you**

 **fedUPSwithyourshit:** ok so bernice wasnt lying

 **fedUPSwithyourshit:** wait what are we gonna do

 **fedUPSwithyourshit:** they look like theyre having fun but we need to tell the septics that we found rob

i got it guys dont worry about it **:you**

 **fedUPSwithyourshit:** seriously bernice you could have called any septic and you chose anti

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** wow post stalker much

 **fedUPSwithyourshit:** shes right next to me how is that stalking

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** idk man seems kind of sus

 **fedUPSwithyourshit:** oh shut up

 **Yahoo!:** Mike you really should come over here, this is adorable

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** cant 😔 i gotta make sure my fuckin ice cream machine doesnt explode again

 **literal piss baby:** uh again???

 **literal piss baby:** guys when did it happen the first time

 **fedUPSwithyourshit:** you mean the fifth time

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** post i would pay you rn to shut the fuck up

 **fedUPSwithyourshit:** bet send me $100

 **literal piss baby:** i am beginning to regret my decision to move over here

 **fedUPSwithyourshit:** DID YOU JUST SEND ME $1000 MIKE????????

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** oops extra zero

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** but yeah stop typing now

 **literal piss baby:** mike wha

 **literal piss baby:** where do you get that kind of money

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** children

 **Yahoo!:** Care to elaborate?

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** absolutely not

ok i just called anti and i had no idea he could be that happy **:you**

well let them at it for another thirty minutes or so before we go out there **:you**

i dont think blank knows whats going on but i dont want to interrupt them **:you**

can someone tell the ipliers that we found robbie **:you**

 **Yahoo!:** Already calling Bing

 **Yahoo!:** Um that’s weird

 **Yahoo!:** Bing isn’t answering and he usually answers on the second ring

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** maybe hes charging or something dude

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** ill just text king hes more reliable

 **literal piss baby:** im by the doors now and oh my god blank looks so happy

 **literal piss baby:** but my brotherly instincts are telling me to fuck shit up

unus dont you dare **:you**

fuck shit up in here not out there with the children **:you**

 **literal piss baby:** but i wannnakjdnkalssjd;kgjb;ivhwkr.nsew

 **Yahoo!:** Unus are you alright?

 **literal piss baby:** noooipyturperetr

he keeps slamming his phone into his head but hes ok ig **:you**

oh my god wait wheres mrs thomson she needs to see this **:you**

 **Yahoo!:** Gran is in the kitchen I think

 **literal piss baby:** kjdfhg;5hqgo350n[goirlvwjkmDA’P

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** ok the ipliers have been told

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** and i asked about bing

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** apparently he got beat up over darks username or something

oh yeah i forgot to tell you guys about that dfkjhlhdk **:you**

his screenname is peepaw **:you**

 **literal piss baby:** nowy kjgn;laksnd’faks

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** yeah theres no way

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** wait let me guess

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** bing changed it and couldnt change it back

yeah i think **:you**

dumbass shouldnt have cyberbullied smh **:you**

 **literal piss baby:** lkadhslgahjsd

_wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi changed_ **_fedUPSwithyourshit_ ** _’s name to_ **_i fell for a bribe uwu_ **

mike i want to let you know that post is currently running towards your general direction **:you**

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** oh boohoo whats he gonna do make my machine break again

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** im rich i honestly shouldve just bought a new one by now

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** AH SHT FUC NOT THS SIDE R POSE HEPLSLJNDKLFJBEFN

 **literal piss baby:** haha keysmash buds skjfnkjleba;srjdghl


	7. "HELP SOMETHNI GABBD RHESOC OFF MY FOTO"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realized that I forgot to post this this morning oops ldjfglkdj  
> Also this happens on a completely different day than when Robbie went missing, so Dark got his username changed back kjfhdklj

10:26 am

guys whos sock is this **:you**

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) **:you**

actually here i found a bunch more **:you**

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) **:you**

i dont know why they are under my bed because none of my subjects have been outside of the kingdom lately **:you**

 **spectacularshowhost:** they are mostly pink and red so im going to assume theyre yans or wilfords

 **spectacularshowhost:** @muffins4senpai @damuffinman are those yours

 **damuffinman:** nope i dont wear socks anymore!!!

 **shut up NURSE:** wilford thats disgusting

 **muffins4senpai:** uh king none of those are mine

 **muffins4senpai:** i don’t have any socks in those particular shades

well whos are they??? I dont want them under my bed anymore **:you**

 **muffins4senpai:** just priv message the others or something

 **shut up NURSE:** King just take some of the socks and start walking around, youre sure to happen across one of us that owns them

 **muffins4senpai:** ten bucks says they belong to dark

 **damuffinman:** your on yannie!!!!

 **spectacularshowhost:** oh shit i just realized that all of the socks that king laid out dont match

 **spectacularshowhost:** so king you could just walk around and ask if people are missing single socks

 **darkiplier:** What in the world is causing my phone to vibrate so much

 **darkiplier:** Nevermind. King, how have you acquired so many unmatching socks?

thats what im trying to figure out. Are they yours dark **:you**

 **darkiplier:** I wear nothing but black. You know this.

 **muffins4senpai:** edgelord

 **damuffinman:** edgelord

 **spectacularshowhost:** edgelorddddd

 **HOST:** The host’s phone is glitching again @Google_Blue

 **Google_Blue:** Your phone is not glitching, Host. Everyone in the groupchat needs to stop typing the same things at the same time, it tampers with Host’s text to speech function

 **muffins4senpai:** sorry host

 **spectacularshowhost:** ^^

 **HOST:** The host is sorry for the inconvenience

your fine host **:you**

and while youre listening do you wear pink or red socks **:you**

 **HOST:** The host does not wear socks as he can never tell when he is wearing a matching pair

 **HOST:** And the host does not know what color his emergency socks are

 **spectacularshowhost:** doesnt host know like everything

 **spectacularshowhost:** he can just tell us who they belong to

or how they got under my bed!!! **:you**

 **HOST:** The host can tell you who’s they are but not where they came from. That would ruin the mystery.

 **HOST:** The socks from under the King of the Squirrels’ bed all belong to @insert whip crack

 **damuffinman:** guess who owe me moneyyyyy

 **muffins4senpai:** fucking whatever

 **insert whip crack:** host i am going to murder you for exposing my secret

ok lets not get violent over the color of someones socks **:you**

 **muffins4senpai:** yeah illy all socks are created equal

 **muffins4senpai:** are you saying by wearing pink socks it makes you inferior

 **muffins4senpai:** god what a white guy move

 **insert whip crack:** well im not white and no im not saying that

 **insert whip crack:** i just think its embarrassing so ill take my socks from king and everyone will ignore this particular section of the chat room

_muffins4senpai took a screenshot of the chat room!_

_goin nutty took a screenshot of the chat room!_

_HOST took a screenshot of the chat room!_

_knockoffzuko took a screenshot of the chat room!_

_damuffinman took a screenshot of the chat room!_

_spectacularshowhost took a screenshot of the chat room!_

**knockoffzuko:** pfffff host whydya screenshot you cant even see it

 **HOST:** The host likes to have blackmail material in the event that someone goes through his phone

ok is everyone going to ignore that cryptid part about ruining the mystery of where the socks came from **:you**

 **muffins4senpai:** its illinois probem now it was his socks

 **muffins4senpai:** illinois smith and the single sock snatcher

 **insert whip crack:** i am going to turn you into eye cream

_knockoffzuko changed **muffins4senpai** 's name to **eye cream** _

**knockoffzuko:** whajdaksjdhaljf

 **spectacularshowhost:** illinois thats a very specific threat

 **spectacularshowhost:** did anti possess you or something

 **knockoffzuko:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

 **knockoffzuko:** HELP SOMETHNI GABBD RHESOC OFF MY FOTO

 **eye cream:** what the fuck yancy you couldnt have taken a worse picture

 **spectacularshowhost:** is it just me or does the thing look a little like bing

 **spectacularshowhost:** well i mean it looks like a blurry blob but i swear that thats bings orange color

 **insert whip crack:** @sk8tr bruh stop stealing our socks

 **insert whip crack:** is this out of jealousy

 **insert whip crack:** are you jealous that i am cooler and hotter than you ever will be

 **sk8ter bruh:** uh dude thats not me

 **sk8ter bruh:** did you even look at the picture the proportions of ‘me’ to the door frame are all wrong

 **sk8ter bruh: ‘** im’ like ******* five inches tall if you think thats me

 **shut up NURSE:** can one of you stop yancy from running up and down the hallway with a sock

 **shut up NURSE:** oh uh wait

 **knockoffzuko:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

 **knockoffzuko:** i got the little son of a bitch

 **knockoffzuko:** and bing it is you you fucker

 **eye cream:** oh my god yancy youre gonna choke him dont hold him like that

 **knockoffzuko:** little shit doesnt need air to live

 **knockoffzuko:** and he wont let go of my sock so he deserves it

 **sk8ter bruh:** actually uh i kind of do need air

 **sk8ter bruh:** it helps with cleaning my internal structure or something

 **insert whip crack:** hey yancy are you by any chance still outside of docs door

 **insert whip crack:** not for any reason or anything

 **insert whip crack:** i definitely dont want to join you in killing that thing

 **spectacularshowhost:** bing thats not you because it has a white shirt

 **spectacularshowhost:** so what is that

 **sk8tr bruh:** oh uh thats mini bing

 **sk8tr bruh:** i accidentally made him after that google gets an upgrade thing

 **eye cream:** so hes been around for three or four years

 **eye cream:** and you never bothered to tell us that he likes socks????

 **sk8tr bruh:** i didnt know that ok jeez

 **sk8tr bruh:** leave mini alone

 **spectacularshowhost:** i think its too late because yancy and illinois have stopped shouting insults at them

 **sk8tr bruh:** NO BRUHS DONT KILL HIM

 **shut up NURSE:** (▶︎ VIEW VIDEO)

 **shut up NURSE:** If they’re going to kill somone outside my door I might as well document it

 **sk8tr bruh:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 **eye cream:** fs in the chat for mini bing

 **spectacularshowhost:** we cant do that anymore because of host remember

 **eye cream:** oh yeah my bad

 **Google_Blue:** What have you all done to make Bing attempt to evade his child-friendly feature in fifteen different languages


	8. "you have ten seconds before i fucking teleport to you and then to a dennys parking lot"

2:14 am

**supermarketspiderman:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

**glitchbitch:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)  **:you**

**supermarketspiderman:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

**supermarketspiderman:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)  **:you**

**glitchbitch:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)  **:you**

**supermarketspiderman:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

**glitchbitch:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

**glitchbitch:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)  **:you**

**zee good doktah:** Please for the love of god stop

**zee good doktah:** None of these are edited correctly

**zee good doktah:** It is making my eyes hurt just to look at them

**glitchbitch:** sorry grandpa but our meme war can’t be interrupted

**zee good doktah:** Thats what those are? Memes?

**zee good doktah:** They look like someone let a five year old have access to ms paint

damn schneep no need to go ham on us  **:you**

**supermarketspiderman:** schneep if you think theyre so bad why dont you make one

**zee good doktah:** Here then

**zee good doktah:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

oh shit guys i laughed  **:you**

**supermarketspiderman:** yeah ok i think schneep wins

**supermarketspiderman:** that was a good one

**zee good doktah:** Why thank you

**glitchbitch:** no its not over til i fuckin say its over

**glitchbitch:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

**glitchbitch:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

**glitchbitch:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

**glitchbitch:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

**glitchbitch:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

**glitchbitch:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

**glitchbitch:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

**glitchbitch:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

anti no youll wake up everyone else  **:you**

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** too late lol

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** whys anti sending shitty memes to the group chat

**glitchbitch:** are you fucking kidding me

**glitchbitch:** everyone thinks the boomer has better meme taste than me

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** well theyre right your memes suck

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** and i liked schneeps meme

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** good job schneep

**zee good doktah:** :)

_ supermarketspiderman changed  _ **_glitchbitch_ ** _ ’s name to  _ **_my memes suck eggs_ **

**my memes suck eggs:** what the fuck is your problem

**supermarketspiderman:** ok anti dont get all salty just because our oldest brother makes better memes than you

**my memes suck eggs:** im the oldest you fuckin idiot

if we’re going to get technical about age then i think jjs the oldest  **:you**

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** @puppetkjdfbkgsd can you confirm

**puppetkjdfbkgsd:** ye

**zee good doktah:** JJ are you ok? Thats not usually how you type

**puppetkjdfbkgsd:** rob s a slep o me

**puppetkjdfbkgsd:** tpe w on hnd

**supermarketspiderman:** translation: robbie fell asleep on him and hes typing with one hand

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** thank you jackie for the unnecessary translation

**supermarketspiderman:** you never know when youll need it marv :(

**supermarketspiderman:** fine when you need something actually translated from drunk speak to normal texts dont come to me for help you ass

wait why is robbie asleep on jj  **:you**

**puppetkjdfbkgsd:** wachin movis

**supermarketspiderman:** translation: they were watching some movies

**supermarketspiderman:** well it couldve only been one movie

**puppetkjdfbkgsd:** yah tngled

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** jackie dont you dare we all know that robbie only watches tangled

**supermarketspiderman:** god fine :(((((( meanie

**zee good doktah:** JJ why haven’t you taken Robbie back to his room

**puppetkjdfbkgsd:** to havyy

**puppetkjdfbkgsd:** nd robi s wrm

**supermarketspiderman:** translation: robbie is too heavy and jj is too comfortable

**supermarketspiderman:** jj what are you a spaghetti noodle

**supermarketspiderman:** ive seen you lift as much weight as i do

**my memes suck eggs:** which is like three pounds

oh sick buurrrnnnnn /s  **:you**

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** damn anti you got him goooooood /s

**my memes suck eggs:** i will pull every single hair forcefully out of both of your heads

no you wouldnt big bro you love us <3  **:you**

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** yeah anti you love us too much

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** and also mother would probably kill you himself

**supermarketspiderman:** theyre right anti what are you gonna do now

**my memes suck eggs:** ill still rip out their head hairs

**my memes suck eggs:** theyll be bald not dead

**supermarketspiderman:** well shit cant argue with that logic

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** go ahead and try to rip out my luxurious locks

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** i will not hesitate to steal your entire knife collection

**my memes suck eggs:** you wouldnt

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** bet pull up pussy

**my memes suck eggs:** you have ten seconds before i fucking teleport to you and then to a dennys parking lot

**supermarketspiderman:** protecting their honors via dueling i see

**supermarketspiderman:** marvin remember your jousting practices

marvin grab a camera and record it  **:you**

itll get at least a million views on youtube  **:you**

**supermarketspiderman:** oh my god they actually went away

**supermarketspiderman:** one of them is going to die

**zee good doktah:** Can we worry about them in the morning? I am tired

sorry grandpa  **:you**

**supermarketspiderman:** sorry grandpa

  
  


7:39 am

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** guess who won a fight in a dennys back parking lot

**supermarketspiderman:** did you bring us back some food

**my memes suck eggs:** fucker made me pay for about ten plates of eggs

eggs  **:you**

you went to dennys  **:you**

and made anti bring back EGGS  **:you**

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** what is wrong with you dennys eggs are delicious

**supermarketspiderman:** we live in the UK how do you even know what they taste like

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** have you forgotten that i can make portals to pretty much anywhere

ok more important question: did you get footage of your fight  **:you**

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** yeah ill send it to you in priv

sweet  **:you**

wait youre both fine with it going up on my channel right  **:you**

**my memes suck eggs:** ig

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** hes still salty so that means yes

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** and im ok with it too

**my memes suck eggs:** i am not salty im just upset that your so fucking powerful

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** i told you that you shouldn’t have threatened my hair

oh my god this fight is amazing  **:you**

it lasted all of three minutes  **:you**

anti were you losing on purpose  **:you**

**my memes suck eggs:** no why the fuck would i do that

**supermarketspiderman:** maybe because of your secret love for us all

**supermarketspiderman:** its ok though bro we love you back <3

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** wait so he purposefully lost

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** i want a rematch then

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** fight me like a real man atni

**supermarketspiderman:** atni

atni  **:you**

**my memes suck eggs:** atni

**puppetkjdfbkgsd:** atni

_ pussy talented it does card tricks left the chat room _


	9. "he fucking g l o w e d"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck the EST, all my homies hate living in the EST djhksgfljd. Timezones fucking suck ugh

6:34 am

**i fell for a bribe uwu:** um uh quick question

 **i fell for a bribe uwu:** was father always so

 **i fell for a bribe uwu:** y o u n g looking?

um uh quick question to parry off of your quick question **:you**

who the fuck is father and was he not always young looking like the rest of us **:you**

well except for gran **:you**

 **your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** unus father ethan is a cranky old priest

 **your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** and for some reason he doesnt like magic even though hes lived around it for like three years

 **i fell for a bribe uwu:** ok father *was* cranky and old

 **i fell for a bribe uwu:** but now he looks like hes 18 and alive

 **your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** kdgjhkhfdgd ALIVE

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** post where are you i would like to meet this new and improved father ethan

 **i fell for a bribe uwu:** we’re outside where new egos usually appear

 **i fell for a bribe uwu:** holy fucking shit fuck god damn holy shit

 **your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** well spit it out post you cant keep typing curse words forever

 **i fell for a bribe uwu:** you will neevr fucking believe what this kid just did

oh my god just say it **:you**

 **i fell for a bribe uwu:** he fucking g l o w e d

 **i fell for a bribe uwu:** hes still glowing like yellow what the fuck

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** i can confirm that the new kid is glowing

if we snap him in half will he glow even more??? **:you**

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** good question lets find out

 **your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** no no no dont do that god

 **your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** am i going to have to save father ethan from you three

 **i fell for a bribe uwu:** i feel very uncomfortable calling him father ethan now

 **i fell for a bribe uwu:** because i look like i should be his father and not the other way around

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** kjghfdkhf should i greet him as brother ethan

 **i fell for a bribe uwu:** BROTHER ETHAN SAJDHKSFLDJK

wait if you guys are saying that this ego was completely redesigned **:you**

does that mean he wont remember anything??? **:you**

or will he remember some things but not others? **:you**

 **your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** someone ask him about the time that marvin did that magic trick

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** on it

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** he said he doesnt remember that or freaking out about it

 **i fell for a bribe uwu:** holy shit he said he doesn’t care if we do magic or not

 **i fell for a bribe uwu:** what the fuck how is this guy father ethan

test him further by doing some magic mike **:you**

 **i fell for a bribe uwu:** mike teleported away and the only thing that father said was

 **i fell for a bribe uwu:** “he smells nice. like cotton candy”

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** seriously??? 

**wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** wow you should ask him if he’s actually ok with magic

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** because this seems too good to be true

 **i fell for a bribe uwu:** he told me that as long as we’re not sinning it’s whatever

 **i fell for a bribe uwu:** i could get used to him guys

he seems like a nice guy **:you**

im coming over to say hello **:you**

 **your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** do we know what actual magic father can do now besides glow like in the one meme

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** i went back and asked him and he said he can “invoke the lord”

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** whatever the fuck that means

 **i fell for a bribe uwu:** i thought nestor was an atheist why did he make a christian ego again??

 **your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** he told me that he thought the priest hat was neat

ok so this guy is cool **:you**

he’s pretty rad **:you**

poggers, even **:you**

 **your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** post i totally forgot to ask you but why havent you changed your username back

 **i fell for a bribe uwu:** you cant change it yourself for some reason :/

 **your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** oop here then

_your freestyle dance teacher *dances* changed_ **_i fell for a bribe uwu_ ** _’s name to_ **_mr. postman (yeah eah eah~)_ **

**mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** well its better than what it was ig

 **mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** thanks ber

 **your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** np

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** um uh father seems emotionally attached to me all of a sudden what do i do

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** i feel like hes staring into my soul and i dont like it

 **mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** homoerotic tension: activiated

i am very uncomfortable with the energy that we have created in this backyard today **:you**

 **your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** oh for fucks sake he can probably mindread just let him at it

 **your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** think of the least offensive but not boomerish meme that you can mike

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** well he laughed so

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** ah fuck he’s questioning what im doing

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:**...i freaked out and said porn

 **mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** MIKE

 **mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** i think you just ruined any chances we had with him

like romantically or **:you**

because if so i might have to move back to the ipliers **:you**

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** oh shit he said he knew it wasnt porn

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** thank god

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** he wants to be added to the group chat

 **your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** i dont have a problem with it but im surprised he even has a phone

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** ok priest incoming everyone act natural

_wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi added your lord and saver_

**your lord and saver:** Hello :D

 **your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** hi father ethan!!

 **mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** hello father!

i drink pee **:you**

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** unus are you serious

i panicked ok??? **:you**

 **mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** all you had to do was type hi its not that hard

 **your lord and saver:** It’s ok, it happens to the best of us :)

 **your lord and saver:** Moving along from that strange but not sinful confession, why are we not talking in person?

 **mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** bernice care to explain

yeah bernice why arent you outside yet **:you**

 **your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** im eating breakfast and making gooz something to eat too

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** id say thats valid

 **your lord and saver:** Who is “gooz”?

their full name is the gongoozler, theyre a sort of mermaid ig **:you**

they dont have any like fish to eat in their pond so we give them human food **:you**

 **your lord and saver:** That’s so cool! I’d love to meet them :D

 **your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** oh my gosh how is he more precious than all of the beans combined


	10. "🐿⁉️"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am... not sorry

12:07 pm

**priv chat with theonewiththemic**

😱😤😭🤦🐿 **:you**

**theonewiththemic: 🐿⁉️**

**🐿🏃🦁 :you**

**theonewiththemic: 😱😤**

**theonewiththemic: 😡🤬😖😫**

**✋🦁👍 :you**

**theonewiththemic: 👍🦁👎🐿**

**👍 :you**

**😈🐿💀😡😤 :you**

**theonewiththemic: 💥🔥❓🧊💦💨❓**

**🧊 :you**

**theonewiththemic: 👍👇🔟**

**👍 :you**

**👁👄👁🧠🥄 :you**

**theonewiththemic: 👍**

_read 12:11 pm_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No I will not translate from Jimese to English :)  
> Also oop sorry if you cant see the emojis kjgkfdjla


	11. "He had major hypothermia and a spoon shoved up his / You know what patient confidentiality matters"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops almost forgot to mention that this is a followup chapter to the last one with the Jims. :).

12:39 pm

king is dead crab rave **:you**

 **sk8tr bruh:** ok yan what the **** are you talking about

king looks like he froze to death from a bucket of ice water **:you**

i found him in his bathroom tied to a chair with a fan blowing on him **:you**

and his skin is blue so **:you**

 **knockoffzuko:** yan that aint a situation to be crab ravin in

 **knockoffzuko:** did you get doc

oops **:you**

 **insert whip crack:** oh my god @shut up NURSE someone died again

 **shut up NURSE:** If its Bim Im not helping

 **spectacularshowhost:** hey

no someone froze king to death **:you**

wait hes breathing but only just **:you**

king is alive(?) crab rave **:you**

i piled some blankets on him i hope that helps **:you**

 **insert whip crack:** did you remove him from the chair first??

oh yeah i probably should have done that **:you**

 **knockoffzuko:** jesus yan is there any evidence sayin who did it

no **:you**

docs here now so im going rogue to try and help **:you**

 **sk8tr bruh:** god poor king

 **sk8tr bruh:** what did he do to deserve that

 **insert whip crack:** he accidentally pushed eric earlier

 **insert whip crack:** he apologized though and eric forgave him

 **insert whip crack:** eric wasnt hurt or anything either so

 **knockoffzuko:** that was only like an hour ago!

 **sk8tr bruh:** whoever did it must be really protective of eric

 **insert whip crack:** i cant think of anyone besides dark

 **insert whip crack:** but he wouldnt do that

 **insert whip crack:** i think

 **sk8tr bruh:** if docll let me i can scan for fingerprints in kings bathroom

 **knockoffzuko:** good idea bing

 **sk8tr bruh:** :)

 **spectacularshowhost:** did yan ever mention why she was in there to begin with

 **insert whip crack:** you know what i dont think they did

 **knockoffzuko:** are you sayin that she did it

 **spectacularshowhost:** its always a possibility

 **darkiplier:** It appears that King has been injured. Who is responsible for this?

 **knockoffzuko:** thats what were tryin to figure out now boss

 **insert whip crack:** our current list of suspects include you and yan

 **darkiplier:** Me? Why would I ever want to purposefully hurt one of you? Except, perhaps, Wilford or either of the Jims

 **spectacularshowhost:** it was just a guess dark

 **spectacularshowhost:** and besides i dont really think you couldve done it

ok doc forced me to leave what did i miss **:you**

 **insert whip crack:** we think you were the one to to that to king

whoa whoa whoa why **:you**

 **sk8tr bruh:** you didnt specify why you were in kings bathroom to begin with

i was looking for him after i heard about the accident with eric **:you**

i wanted to make sure he wasnt beating himself into a pulp out of guilt **:you**

 **knockoffzuko:** i guess that makes sense

 **insert whip crack:** so yan is cleared because they have a valid excuse

 **insert whip crack:** and dark is cleared because i dont want to be murdered

 **darkiplier:** What in the world are you going on about?

 **insert whip crack:** i can hear your aura ringing from across the house

 **darkiplier:** Fair enough, I suppose.

 **darkiplier:** Perhaps I could contact Anti and have him skip through everyone’s messages

bet i want to see his reaction to reading all of mine **:you**

 **darkiplier:** He said he will do it. He is asking me who to start with.

 **sk8tr bruh:** aw man now i cant do my detective scanny thing :((((

 **HOST:** The host suggests antisepticeye start with the Jim twins

 **sk8tr bruh:** oh yeah we couldve just asked host who did it lol

 **HOST:** The host would like to remind bingiplier that his sight does not work that way

 **HOST:** The host only suggested the twins because they seem like the type to overdo a prank

 **knockoffzuko:** a p

 **knockoffzuko:** a prank??

 **knockoffzuko:** they was pranking him????

is this a valid excuse for me to finally murder the two of them **:you**

 **darkiplier:** You will not be murdering the twins, Yan. Anti found that they were behind this and I will be immediately having a talk with them.

 **darkiplier:** And it was not merely a prank. They were attempting to enact revenge for Eric, and they must not have heard King apologize after the fact

 **insert whip crack:** @sun boi hey uh did you know about this

hes not gonna answer cuz he ran in to the clinic after doc shoved me out **:you**

hes probably freaking out and i wouldnt blame him **:you**

 **insert whip crack:** jeez i didnt know the jims had a sadistic side

 **sk8tr bruh:** me neither

 **sk8tr bruh:** they seemed goofy but god they just almost killed king

 **sk8tr bruh:** wait a second would he have even died

bing what **:you**

 **sk8tr bruh:** we only really die if the fanbase forgets about us

 **sk8tr bruh:** so king wouldnt be dead even if he looked like it

 **knockoffzuko:** so your sayin were immortal

 **sk8tr bruh:** well yes, but actually no

were all immortal??? sweet **:you**

 **insert whip crack:** damn we’re all gods

 **insert whip crack:** i knew it

 **sk8tr bruh:** no guys thats not where i was going with that

 **sk8tr bruh:** ok whatever nevermind

 **shut up NURSE:** Good news, King is alive

 **insert whip crack:** 🎉

 **knockoffzuko:** yeah whoop whoop

 **shut up NURSE:** He had major hypothermia and a spoon shoved up his

 **shut up NURSE:** You know what patient confidentiality matters

 **shut up NURSE:** So Im legally not allowed to tell you that

 **sk8tr bruh:** too late doc we can piece it together

 **insert whip crack:** wow not only are the jims sadistic but theyre sadists too

hey king! i did not need to read that today! **:you**

 **knockoffzuko: “** objects that i have shoved up my arse: small metal spoon”

h e y k i n g ! i d i d n o t n e e d t o r e a d t h a t t o d a y ! **:you**

 **sk8tr bruh:** wow who knew yancy was up to date in pop culture

 **knockoffzuko:** just because i was in prison dont mean i didnt keep up wit the times

 **knockoffzuko:** mr 2000s talk

 **sk8tr bruh:** ouch /gen

 **insert whip crack:** does anyone else here two screams in the distance

i hope thats the jims and not someone else getting frozen **:you**

 **knockoffzuko:** i hope they get a metal spoon shoved up their asses

 **knockoffzuko:** but with their heads already there itd be a tight fit

 **sk8tr bruh:** holy **** you ******* killed them dude

pop OFF yancy **:you**

 **insert whip crack:** yancy dont say that they might be into it

 **darkiplier:** They aren’t.

_darkiplier left the chat room_

... **:you**

the jims are getting tortured crab rave **:you**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kjhflh poor King, frozen and traumatized. All because the Jims like to jump to conclusions smh.


	12. "blank looks kind of hot with winged eyeliner / id hit that"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do I summon all of the crankgameplays fans /gen? I've been pspspspspsing with a maid outfit on for a while and it hasn't worked :/

9:48 am

**priv chat with your freestyle dance teacher *dances***

ber i finished that makeup look are you proud of me  **:you**

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)  **:you**

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** i cant talk right now im doin hot girl shit

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** (▶︎ VIEW VIDEO)

djhfkdfsa is that who i think it is  **:you**

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** marvin he literally asked for it

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** who am i to deny someone my amazing skills

blank looks kind of hot with winged eyeliner  **:you**

id hit that  **:you**

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** MARVIN

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** you cant just say that about one of the beans! :((((

im not lying though he looks smoking  **:you**

sizzling, even  **:you**

maybe even burning  **:you**

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** seriously though he really is

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** i think i might have to teach him how to do it himself

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** i dont know whos hes trying to impress though since he barely comes out of his room :/

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** is he secretly seeing one of your brothers or something

pffffffff says you  **:you**

and i doubt it  **:you**

if he was we would have heard something by now  **:you**

or anti would have killed whoever it was kgfjhhsf  **:you**

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** hmmmm do you think i should ask him

absolutely not sis  **:you**

he might shut down  **:you**

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** youre right

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** i just told him that you think he looked hot and i think i broke him

good the boy needs to know hes loved 😌  **:you**

just make sure to tell him that i dont actually want to bang him kjhkshglj  **:you**

i wouldnt bang any of the beans actually theyre too precious  **:you**

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** yeah im pretty sure he knows kjghjs

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** i dont think hes ever been complimented

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** god im a shit sibling arent it

no youre not stop that  **:you**

you do what you can ber  **:you**

it just so happens that he didnt need compliments until now  **:you**

so youre doing good sis keep up the good work  **:you**

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** oh stop im gonna cry

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** also since im done with blank now

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** marv you look STUNNING sis

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** drop dead GORGEOUS

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** are you going somewhere or?

yeah actually im taking a trip to the store  **:you**

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** the sto

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** you know what i cant say anything because im the same way kjhdfkjsf

yeah kjghfka  **:you**

do you guys need anything  **:you**

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** um actually yeah i’ve got a whole list if you want to go together

of course kgjhfljsd  **:you**

how long do i have to wait? an hour? maybe two?  **:you**

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** oh shut up im still in my pjs

so three hours  **:you**

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

pffff you could have just typed ‘fuck off’  **:you**

also how the h e l l do you have that many pairs of shoes  **:you**

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** marvin do you analyze photos for fun because i purposefully stood where you couldnt see them

i saw one heel from behind you and it looked new  **:you**

but wow i did not expect my guess to be correct  **:you**

ber you dont need five pairs of blue heels you get that right  **:you**

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** theyre not all blue you idiot

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** there teal, turquoise, sky, and the other two i forgot the names of but its not just BLUE

**your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** men are colorblind honestly

wow ok rude /hj  **:you**

and im not colorblind ber they just looked the same in the lighting  **:you**

now stop texting and dressing smh youll take even longer  **:you**

_ read 9:54 am _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bernice and Marvin are best friends, sorry I don't make the rules. Also kjfdghkfa I think I've figured out a way to call all of the crank fans to me. *clears throat* Here cranky babes! Pspspspspsps!! I've got Blank hurt/comfort fresh off of the save file!! Wait, actually, maybe you guys like Gongoozler fluff more. I've got Gooz fluff fresh off of the save file!!


	13. intervention

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We interrupt your regularly scheduled shitpublishing to announce some exciting news. intellexual_asexual has achieved a remarkable feat. They finally fucking figured out how to insert pictures into works on AO3. Here is some cheese sauce to celebrate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like a god. A very powerful and reckless god.


	14. "whas bettr thn tha? guys bing ddes"

6:30 am

this is bernice with your daily not dead announcement! type in chat if youre not dead today **:you**

 **postman (yeah eah eah~):** im alive and so is gran

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** im up, and i think blanks good

 **literal piss baby:** me and gooz are alive and worried about yahoo

 **literal piss baby:** hes always the first one to answer

 **literal piss baby:** and i havent seen him for a week

oof he usually comes back after a day or two **:you**

everyone keep an eye out i guess **:you**

 **your lord and saver:** I’m sorry, what is this about?

 **postman (yeah eah eah~):** oooh yikes yeah youre new so ill explain

 **postman (yeah eah eah~):** us cranks have a habit of dying off frequently

 **postman (yeah eah eah~):** we call it fading because we fade from our fans memories

 **postman (yeah eah eah~):** so ber set up this daily check in thing to see whos been gone for a while

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** yup and this week its yahoos turn to worry us

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** if i listen really carefully i can still hear him telling me the correct way to make ice cream

mike stop youre going to scare father **:you**

 **your lord and saver:** I understand, I think. And I’m not scared of fading, I’m a big boy! >:D

_postman (yeah eah eah~) changed the chat room name from_ **_cranky peeps_ ** _to_ **_father ethan protection squad_ **

_postman (yeah eah eah~) changed_ **_your lord and saver_ ** _’s name to_ **_honorary BeanTM_ **

**honorary BeanTM:** Oh stop! You’re making me blush!

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** mr. father sir if you dont stop being adorable im going to explode

 **honorary BeanTM:** Please don’t explode Mike! D:

 **honorary BeanTM:** Also, why am I an honorary bean?

oh no dude youre 100% a bean **:you**

but theres a group of BeansTM between all three groups of egos **:you**

i mean i guess you could be a BeanTM if you want **:you**

 **postman (yeah eah eah~):** ber has father even met the other egos yet

 **literal piss baby:** i could take him around if he wants

 **literal piss baby:** ive got nothing else to do today

make sure he meets the BeansTM **:you**

well the rest of the BeansTM ig **:you**

you already met blank right father **:you**

 **honorary BeanTM:** Yes! Blank is a very nice boy. :D

 **literal piss baby:** yeah hes a BeanTM now whether eric wants it or not

 **literal piss baby:** here father go out to the backyard

 **literal piss baby:** ill take you over to the ipliers first

 **honorary BeanTM:** OK! :DDD

  
  


6:34 am

_postman (yeah eah eah~) created a group chat_

_postman (yeah eah eah~) named the chat room_ **_bean is gone time for chaos_ **

_postman (yeah eah eah~) added wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi_

_postman (yeah eah eah~) added your freestyle dance teacher *dances*_

_postman (yeah eah eah~) added blanketboy_

**postman (yeah eah eah~):** cuss time cuss time cuss time

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** fuck shit piss god damn fuck

mike and post seriously **:you**

its not that hard to not cuss **:you**

 **blanketboy:** yeah gus

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** ah shit another bean

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** now i have to unsend my chat

 **postman (yeah eah eah~):** blank i didnt know you were awake

 **blanketboy:** i ws akin eric a questn

um at 6 in the morning?? **:you**

isnt eric one of the ipliers that sleep in late **:you**

 **blanketboy:** is saturdy

 **blanketboy:** eri hlps king w hs squirls n the mornng on sturdays

 **postman (yeah eah eah~):** hmmmm sounds sus blank

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** blank what were you really doing

 **blanketboy:** askng erc a questn!!! manies :((( fne hol on i hve screnshts

 **blanketboy:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

 **blanketboy:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

awww you were asking him if he liked your makeup **:you**

blank thats so sweet **:you**

 **postman (yeah eah eah~):** blank he calls you blankie???

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** ill say it again

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** im about to explode from how much cuteness youre radiating

 **blanketboy:** yeh post how did yu thin i got my usrnam

 **postman (yeah eah eah~):** thats like the most adorable thing ever

 **blanketboy:** im nt adrble >:((( im suposd to be scry

no youre not blank the fans know you dont want to be scary **:you**

 **blanketboy:** yea ok 😔

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** bernice when did you teach him how to do that

i didnt kjdgkljs **:you**

i taught blank how to do the eyeliner and the most basic eyeshadow a few days ago **:you**

but those fucking amazing fantabulous and beautiful butterflies are self taught and very very poggers **:you**

 **blanketboy:** youtbe can be coool someimes :)

 **postman (yeah eah eah~):** blank if you like eric you can tell us

 **postman (yeah eah eah~):** we wont tease you or anything

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** speak for yourself lol

 **blanketboy:** whas wrng w jus me askn him for n opinon?? 

**blanketboy:** whas bettr thn tha? guys bing ddes

blank. sweetie. its not guys being dudes when he compliments you on your makeup 50 times over and throws in 3 affectionate nicknames **:you**

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** yeah you stupid oblivious twink you like him

 **postman (yeah eah eah~):** was the twink comment really necessary

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** absolutely

 **blanketboy:** eric s jst a good frind stp tesing me >:(

 **postman (yeah eah eah~):** sorry blankie

 **blanketboy:** only eric cn cll me that

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** what the FUCK did i just tell you all

for gods sake just leave blank alone now **:you**

 **blanketboy:** tanks ber

  
  


6:42 am

_postman (yeah eah eah~) created a group chat_

_postman (yeah eah eah~) named the chat room_ **_bean is gay time for chaos_ **

_postman (yeah eah eah~) added wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi_

_postman (yeah eah eah~) added your freestyle dance teacher *dances*_

**postman (yeah eah eah~):** wingman time wingman time wingman time

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** and wingwoman you dope

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** stop being sexist

have either of you ever had a single rational thought in your life??? **:you**

 **postman (yeah eah eah~):** no

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** no

god guys blank said theyre just friends **:you**

not every single one of us is gay for another ego ok **:you**

 **postman (yeah eah eah~):** but but but

 **postman (yeah eah eah~):** baby beans!!

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** how would that work actually

we dont need to know because its NOT HAPPENING **:you**

blank and eric are only friends. end of discussion **:you**

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** bernice i swear to god youre supposed to be an expert in this stuff

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** you must be blind if you didnt see the look in that boys eyes in that picture

 **postman (yeah eah eah~):** yeah bernice are trying to like save blank from corruption or something??

 **postman (yeah eah eah~):** if so i think eric is the least corrupt iplier

 **postman (yeah eah eah~):** blankll be safe i swear

for fucks sake just drop it and let blank live his life :((((((( **:you**

you two are worse than unus i swear **:you**

and even if he did like eric you wouldnt need to help him **:you**

you guys keep forgetting that blank isnt actually a child **:you**

youve teased him so much about looking the youngest that youve started to believe it **:you**

 **postman (yeah eah eah~):** ok now that you say that we might have overdone it

 **postman (yeah eah eah~):** sorry mom 😔

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** maybe youre right ber

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** sowwy ú,w,ù

please dont ever type that again **:you**

and its whatever just stop teasing him about it **:you**

i dont think you guys can tell because youre both braindead but that makes him upset **:you**

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** im not that far gone to tell when to stop ber

 **postman (yeah eah eah~):** operation abandon group chat is a go

_postman (yeah eah eah~) left the chat room_

_wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi left the chat room_

_your freestyle dance teacher *dances* left the chat room_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops I think I made a crackship and became addicted to it djgkhlja. They're kind of cute though so it's fine. Probably.


	15. "aw eric"

10:54 am

**priv chat with chase daniels**

**chase daniels:** hey bud

 **chase daniels:** im just checking up on you :)

 **chase daniels:** and wondering if you still want me and rob to come over tomorrow

yeah i’m doing good **:you**

and of course i want you guys over dad **:you**

 **chase daniels:** aw eric

_read 10:54 am_

11:27 am

**priv chat with chase daniels**

**chase daniels:** eric?

 **chase daniels:** bud are you ok?

 **chase daniels:** eric i dont mind you calling me dad

i’m sorry it just slipped out and i didn’t even ask you if i could **:you**

 **chase daniels:** hey woah bud its all good

 **chase daniels:** would you rather talk over the phone about it?

_sun boi started a video call at 11:28 am_

_video call ended at 12:02 pm_

**chase daniels:** eric to reiterate: i am fine with you calling me that

 **chase daniels:** you didnt need to ask bub :)

i was nervous because i haven’t said that in so long **:you**

so you’re sure? **:you**

 **chase daniels:** yeah bud

you’re sure you’re sure? **:you**

 **chase daniels:** eric

ok ok i was just joking dad **:you**

see you and robbie tomorrow :D **:you**

 **chase daniels:** see you bud :)))

_read 12:04 am_

11:27 pm

**priv chat with chase daniels**

_sun boi changed_ **_**chase daniels** '_ ** _s name to_ **_**dad <3** _ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of a shorter chapter but I was in a MoodTM so jfgkljdas.


	16. "please dont give robbie a cat with no immune system"

4:13 pm

help robbie wants a pet  **:you**

**supermarketspiderman:** pfffff who is that

**supermarketspiderman:** wait no nevermind its obviously chase

no im not changing it back so shut up  **:you**

and help because robbie wants a pet  **:you**

**supermarketspiderman:** @pussy talented it does card tricks

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** no

**supermarketspiderman:** what do you mean no

**supermarketspiderman:** robbie gets away with all sorts of shit

**supermarketspiderman:** why wont you let him have a hamster or something

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** because all pets require constant attention and robbie cant supply that

oh come on marv pets arent hard to handle  **:you**

you remember when diva came over that first time  **:you**

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** yeah he fell asleep

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** he wasnt watching them because he was asleep

uh ok sourpuss  **:you**

what about my kids first pet  **:you**

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** grayson and cara killed rainbow by flushing her down a toilet

**supermarketspiderman:** god marv its not like hes solely responsible for the pet

**supermarketspiderman:** and dont bring up rainbow again im still upset :(((

yeah marvin we can help him take care of whatever pet he wants  **:you**

and the others that dont have jobs  **:you**

including you wink wonk  **:you**

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** ugh fine lets compromise

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** ill pretend to be a random street cat for a whole day and well see how he handles it

**supermarketspiderman:** that sounds like a good plan

you know what yeah that sounds good  **:you**

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** but im only poofing in a pet for robbie if he doesnt treat me like trash

**supermarketspiderman:** noted

  
  


2:17 pm

**supermarketspiderman:** that went surprisingly well

so marvin what species have you chosen  **:you**

**zee good doktah:** Marvin cant answer right now, he is still sobbing over the picture Robert drew of them

**supermarketspiderman:** awwww thats cute

so were getting a cat then  **:you**

**puppetkjdfbkgsd:** Idea: Marvin makes it look like BB!

**supermarketspiderman:** i like what youre thinking jj

**my memes suck eggs:** oh my god sheep can you pull marvin away from that drawing now

**my memes suck eggs:** i want my cat

**supermarketspiderman:** anti its robbies cat

**supermarketspiderman:** and i thought you hated cats

**my memes suck eggs:** not all cats i just hate marvin

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** thats not going to earn you a pet sooner

marvin robbie is majorly upset as to where his “alley cat” went  **:you**

you might want to poof that cat in now before he goes ballistic  **:you**

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** alright alright give me five minutes

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** the last time i tried this the cat was purple and had no immune system

**supermarketspiderman:** i t w h a t

please dont give robbie a cat with no immune system  **:you**

**my memes suck eggs:** please do give robbie a cat with no immune system

**my memes suck eggs:** that would be hilarious actually

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** ok i have the cat now

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** which one of you is delivering the offbrand bb

me  **:you**

**supermarketspiderman:** me

**puppetkjdfbkgsd:** Me!

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** fine ill do it myself

look at him ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  **:you**

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)  **:you**

marvin thanks  **:you**

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** anything for robbie ig

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** just remind him that he has to take care of it or its going away

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** ill give it to the cranks or something

**zee good doktah:** Marvin that is a horrible idea

**zee good doktah:** Do you remember when they had Goldie??

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** oop now i do kjfghfjld

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** ill give it to eric then

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** i trust him and only him to take care of an animal

**supermarketspiderman:** hmmm i dont know i think id trust king or yancy

yeah id trust them and google  **:you**

hes got enough knowledge to at least provide it the bare essentials  **:you**

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** ok ok yeah id give it to one of them

he said he knows  **:you**

marvin i think hes really going to take care of dd  **:you**

**supermarketspiderman:** is that what he named it

**supermarketspiderman:** thats adorable actually

he wanted to name it pp but obviously that was not gonna fly  **:you**

**my memes suck eggs:** too late thats what im calling the cat now

**my memes suck eggs:** pspspspsps here pp

**my memes suck eggs:** WAIT

**my memes suck eggs:** pisspisspisspisspiss here pp

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** ill fight you at dennys again if you make that cat respond only to pp

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Literally rest in piss Rainbow, Chase's kids' pet beta fish that died because Cara wanted to "set it free."  
> Also prepare for me to mention DD in all of my Septic works from now on kgjfjkdsks.


	17. "blank dont listen to post hes a straight white male"

7:43 am

**mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** why is there a

**mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** why is there a mai

**mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** you know what just look

**mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

pfffff i dont see anything wrong  **:you**

**mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** ber stfu youre probably behind this

**wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** ber why did you go around and put maid outfits in everyones closets

fun fact: i didnt  **:you**

but i might know why theyre in there  **:you**

**literal piss baby:** yes please do enlighten us as to how this happened

**literal piss baby:** its actually kind of comfy guys

**literal piss baby:** but i still want to know where it came from

**mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** you put it on???

**wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** whats wrong post

**wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** you got a fragile masculinity

**mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** no!! >:((((

ok ok everybody shut up stop typing  **:you**

do you guys remember that time that i saw that one fanart of me in a suit  **:you**

well actually only post and mike would remember but you get the point  **:you**

**wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** yeah

**wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** it showed up in your closet and you looked smoking

**mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** oh no please dont tell me we were drawn in maid outfits

**mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** bernice

**mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** bernice please respond

sorry i was busy laughing at you  **:you**

but yeah thats what happened  **:you**

probably  **:you**

i havent actually seen any of you in the dress but ive seen nestor in it  **:you**

and he wore it on a stream last night soooooo  **:you**

**honorary BeanTM:** I, for one, do not mind this new wardrobe!

**honorary BeanTM:** Although it is a bit… revealing.

**literal piss baby:** yeah theres a nice breeze :)

**wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** i do not like that ominous smile at the end of that

**literal piss baby:** :)

**Yahoo!:** I think I’m beginning to regret choosing this moment to reappear

yahoo oh thank god  **:you**

**wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** yahoo!!

**mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** yahoo save us the fans are forcing us to be sexy

**literal piss baby:** whats wrong with being sexy post?

**Yahoo!:** Why is there a maid dress laying across my charging station

**mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** scroll up man

**honorary BeanTM:** Is this the Yahoo you were all telling me about?

yeah father  **:you**

**honorary BeanTM:** Hello Yahoo! I’m Father Ethan, it’s nice to meet you! :D

**Yahoo!:** Uh hi I guess

**Yahoo!:** Are you guys wearing your maid dresses right now because I actually kind of like it

**blanketboy:** uh gys ar we suposd to like the drss

**blanketboy:** bcaus i really relly lik it

**mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** no

**wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** yes

**wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** blank dont listen to post hes a straight white male

**mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** ok well you didnt have to do me like that

blank if you like the dress and want to wear more i have some extras collecting dust in my closet  **:you**

  
  


7:46 am

**priv chat with blanketboy**

**blanketboy:** ber yud realy do that fo me??

yeah bub :)))  **:you**

**blanketboy:** .

**blanketboy:** thank yo

**blanketboy:** nd no one evr told me hw comfy thse are

yeah  **:you**

hey did you send a picture to eric ;)  **:you**

**blanketboy:** bernceeeeeeee

ok ok ill stop  **:you**

  
  


7:46 am

**Yahoo!:** So is anyone going to help me out or?

with what lol  **:you**

**Yahoo!:** I want to meet Father

**postman (yeah eah eah~):** I can take you over as soon as i get this thing off

**postman (yeah eah eah~):** oh no

**wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** aaaaaaand this is the moment when he found out the dresses are two sizes too small

**postman (yeah eah eah~):** shut the h*ll your mouth mike

**literal piss baby:** post you really do have a masculinity problem dont you

**mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** no i dont be quiet

**wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** there is a trick to getting it off 

**wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** but im not telling you because you need to go on a journey of self discovery~

**literal piss baby:** unless you want us to help you rip it off ;))

**mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** there is a p r i e s t in the chat guys

**honor** **ary BeanTM:** The priest in the chat declares incest as a sin >:(

yeah both of you knock it off  **:you**

release your sexual frustration onto one of the ipliers or something  **:you**

**literal piss baby:** woah now im not going over there

**literal piss baby:** bim and illinois are horndogs

**wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** yeah for once i agree with unus

**wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** those two could sniff out a desperate person from three miles away

**wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** no way im getting near them after making a sex joke

**mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** guys can someone else take yahoo to father

**mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** im feeling very uncomfortable rn

post if youre actually seriously not ok with the maid outfit i can come help you  **:you**

**mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** oh thank god please do

**literal piss baby:** *sighs* i guess ill do it then

**wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** didnt bernice just tell you to stop with the sex references

**literal piss baby:** after i introduce father to yahoo i will turn your bones into pixie dust

**wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** help guys hes telling me in priv that hes gonna persuade gran to use the dust in her baked goods

cant help you im too busy literally cutting this dress off of post  **:you**

for fucks sake i cant believe the fans gave him a childs small  **:you**

and i cant believe that he managed to fit into it in the first place  **:you**

ah i just asked him why he did it and he said “for the meme obviously”  **:you**

**literal piss baby:** i dont believe that for a second but whatever he wants to tell himself ig

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> f e m b o y b l a n k g o b r r r r r r r r ldhflgkfjlsd  
> Also I started writing an actual work based around this idea but I scrapped it. I think I'll post what I had written in my unfinished works work though, as a treat for you all :)


	18. "I can’t even begin to describe how frustrated, confused, and enraged I am by this."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who finally figured out their account password?! I'm sorry for disappearing off of the face of the earth for a good... FIVE DAYS?!?! Oh my God, my bad. Here, I'll publish as much as I can today to make up for it :D. I wanted to do some sort of Valentine's day themed work, too, dang it! Oh well, here's a Valentine's day themed chapter. I hope this suffices kjhkgjlkjfd. PS I'm also going to do some with the other egos :).

11:21 am

its valentines day :) **:you**

you know what that means :) **:you**

 **darkiplier:** Yan, no.

:) **:you**

 **darkiplier:** Yan. No.

:) **:you**

 **darkiplier:** Yandereplier.

: ) **:you**

 **knockoffzuko:** why are you yellin at yan boss??

 **darkiplier:** Yan likes to hold certain... traditions on Valentine’s Day.

hes just mad cause those traditions include glitter **:you**

 **knockoffzuko:** eh i dont blame him then

 **knockoffzuko:** glitter sucks

 **insert whip crack:** yancy you might want to watch your back now

 **knockoffzuko:** what why

 **insert whip crack:** oh no reason i guess

:) **:you**

 **knockoffzuko:** if anyone needs me ill be holed up in my room ig

: ) **:you**

 **sun boi:** did anyone make valentines

 **sun boi:** because i did and i want to hand them out soon :D

 **goin nutty:** i didnt make any but ill make one for you eric!!!

 **HOST:** The host made Eric derekson a card

 **HOST:** He hopes he picked up the right colored markers

 **spectacularshowhost:** so thats why you needed my help

 **spectacularshowhost:** and yeah eric i made some

 **sk8tr bruh:** bim theyre all coated in glitter

 **sk8tr bruh:** god its gonna be stuck in my system for weeks

 **spectacularshowhost:** youre welcome

i made everyone valentines and gifts :) **:you**

 **sk8tr bruh:** yan whats in the gifts

 **goin nutty:** if its anything like last years then im not opening the box

 **sun boi:** it wasn’t that bad stop being meanies! D:<

 **spectacularshowhost:** eric were not being meanies were just saying

 **spectacularshowhost:** yans gifts are a little extreme sometimes

 **HOST:** The host agrees and adds that if yandereplier got him another live service animal he will send it back

but it was cute!!! **:you**

 **sk8tr bruh:** i dont think we can fit another horse in the house yan

 **goin nutty:** yeah i will not be responsible for taking care of another large animal

fine dont open your presents then >:( **:you**

see if i care >:((( **:you**

 **darkiplier:** Yan. My office. Now.

 **darkiplier:** I can’t even begin to describe how frustrated, confused, and enraged I am by this.

 **spectacularshowhost:** what happened dark

 **HOST:** The host can elaborate. 

**HOST:** …

 **HOST:** It seems that yandereplier has given darkiplier a companion for his aura

 **insert whip crack:** oh my god another giant ass dog

 **goin nutty:** host what does it look like

 **HOST:** The retriever’s fur is pure black save for the large white patch on their chest. They are wearing a blue collar with the name damien etched onto it

 **sk8tr bruh:** i have several questions

 **sk8tr bruh:** starting with how the **** did yan sneak that into the house

 **spectacularshowhost:** im more interested in how she got it to fit into that box lol

 **HOST:** The host thinks everyone already knows the answer

 **HOST:** But just in case he will state aloud that Wilford warfstache was the cause of this

  
  


12:35 pm

**priv chat with darkiplier**

dark? **:you**

 **darkiplier:** Eric I already know what you want to ask me.

 **darkiplier:** The answer is no.

sir i really really don’t want to push it but i would like to keep the new dog please **:you**

 **darkiplier:** You are not pushing it and I understand why you wish to keep them.

 **darkiplier:** However I do not believe that we can house another enormous animal.

 **darkiplier:** Diva is already testing my patience, but there’s only so much I can do for that.

alright dark i understand **:you**

i do have another question though **:you**

do you know why yan picked out that name for the dog? **:you**

 **darkiplier:** …

you don’t have to answer me sir i was just curious and all! **:you**

 **darkiplier:** Derekson you are an extremely fast typer. I assure you that I will answer you.

 **darkiplier:** I have my suspicions as to why Yan chose that name.

 **darkiplier:** I once… knew a man by the name of Damien. We used to be friends. Siblings, even, we were that close. 

**darkiplier:** But that was long ago, and how Yan earned that knowledge I have yet to find out.

host said something about wilford being behind damien’s appearance **:you**

maybe he picked out the name, actually! **:you**

 **darkiplier:**...Really now? That does not surprise me. He will also be responsible for… Damien’s disappearance. 

**darkiplier:** Can you do me a favor and ask him to come to my office?

yes sir! **:you**

 **darkiplier:**...And before you log off, thank you for the valentine.

you’re welcome dark :D **:you**

_read 12:42 am_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oop I should explain that although the Ipliers are aware that Dark has a backstory, they didn't really look into it. Only Host, Wilford, and now Yan know the whole story (Wilford because he was there for it, Host because he's a snoopy little shit, and Yan because Wilford mentioned it in his state of semi-lucidity when they were poofing in the dog).


	19. "I am back from the store and my relationship has been saved"

9:42 am

@pussy talented it does card tricks can you take over arts and crafts this morning **:you**

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** why should i

please marv please **:you**

i dont want to abandon my children but cara is using too much glitter and grayson just tried to eat glue **:you**

 **my memes suck eggs:** thats my boy

 **my memes suck eggs:** do it for the vine grayson

 **supermarketspiderman:** no grayson dont do it for the vine

 **supermarketspiderman:** trust me glue tastes disgusting

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** what are they even doing

making valentines **:you**

did you all forget that its valentines day **:you**

 **my memes suck eggs:** i didnt fuckin forget i just dont care

 **my memes suck eggs:** except that candyll be half priced tomorrow

 **zee good doktah:** ITS VALENTINES DAY???

 **supermarketspiderman:** oh boy did someone forget to get his boyfriend a gift?

 **zee good doktah:** YES YES MARVIN I NEED A PORTAL TO THE STORE

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** looks like i cant help you chase ive got to help schneep

you little f **:you**

you know what fine you just wont get a card from my kids **:you**

if they make one for you ill destroy it **:you**

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** you wouldnt

 **supermarketspiderman:** chase you shouldve heard the gasp that he just made oh my god

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** look ill help you in a second after i do this for schneep

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** the poor guy is running around like a decapitated chicken

ok ig **:you**

can someone else help though because robbie had glue on his hands and is now attached to dd **:you**

 **my memes suck eggs:** ill save you pp

 **supermarketspiderman:** what the heck did he try to pet her or something?

yeah and he didnt know he had glue on his hands **:you**

thanks anti **:you**

 **my memes suck eggs:** no problem just keep robbies hands on the fuckin table next time

 **supermarketspiderman:** has anyone seen jj this morning? he didnt eat his portion of breakfast and im kind of worried

i think hes still in his room **:you**

idk you could ask him in priv **:you**

 **supermarketspiderman:** alright ill do that then

  
  


9:50 am

**priv chat with puppetkjdfbkgsd**

jj? are you up??? **:you**

jj **:you**

jj i will spam **:you**

ok well you asked for it **:you**

jj **:you**

jj **:you**

jj **:you**

jj **:you**

jj **:you**

jj **:you**

jj **:you**

jj **:you**

jj **:you**

jj **:you**

jj **:you**

jj **:you**

jj **:you**

jj **:you**

jj **:you**

jj **:you**

ok now im really worried because you usually berate me on the third spam message **:you**

jj please respond **:you**

jameson jackson you have three seconds before i come up there and bust open your door **:you**

1 **:you**

2 **:you**

2 and a half **:you**

2 and three quarters **:you**

JAMIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE **:you**

man i really dont want to be that guy but youre not answering me so **:you**

_read 9:53 am_

  
  


10:02 am

**zee good doktah:** I am back from the store and my relationship has been saved

 **my memes suck eggs:** *golf claps*

congrats man you did it **:you**

you know what you should spend the whole day with doc **:you**

i think hed like that **:you**

 **zee good doktah:** Really? But I had nothing planned for us to do

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** just go to a park or something

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** you two should have no problem just talking to each other

 **zee good doktah:** OK I guess. Can you send me over there Marvin?

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** with an unwrapped gift??? absolutely not you wrap that shit right now

 **zee good doktah:** Marvin we dont have any wrapping paper besides the roll that says “its a girl”

does anyone remember where that came from **:you**

 **my memes suck eggs:** jj

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** yeah i think it was jj

 **zee good doktah:** Marvin I really do not want to wrap my boyfriends gift

 **zee good doktah:** Mrvin plese stop chasn me round te hosue nw

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** schneep come HERE i need to fucking WRAP your GIFT 

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** WHY are you being so DIFFICULT

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** SCHNEEP

 **my memes suck eggs:** haha he texted dark in priv to teleport him over there

marvin why is it that big of a deal anyway **:you**

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** its impolite and rude to not wrap a gift to someone everyone knows that chase

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** its important to show people that you actually give a shit and didnt forget about the gift

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** now doc knows schneep forgot it was fucking valentines day

 **my memes suck eggs:** fs in the chat for their relationship again lol

has noone still heard from jj?? or jackie now? **:you**

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** you know what yeah i havent heard anything from jackie

 **my memes suck eggs:** oops was that why there were extra pancakes

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** anti really??

seriously anti? **:you**

 **my memes suck eggs:** my b

  
  


9:53 am

**priv chat with puppetkjdfbkgsd**

**puppetkjdfbkgsd:** Jackie please don’t come into my room.

jj i wont come over there if you dont want me to **:you**

but youve gotta tell me whats up **:you**

you havent eaten breakfast and youre still in bed three hours later than usual **:you**

whats going on jameson? **:you**

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** I’m upset and confused about it

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** Is this what happens when you get a fanon backstory, Jackie?

oh **:you**

oh jeez **:you**

jj maybe talking it out will help **:you**

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** I don’t 

**puppetkjdfbkgsd:** I keep seeing this one person but they’re very blurry

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** They died? They must have died

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** Oh yeah they died oh no

jj? jj keep typing dude **:you**

jj please **:you**

im getting worried again please type something **:you**

_read 9:58 am_

9:58 am

**priv chat with puppetkjdfbkgsd**

**puppetkjdfbkgsd:** Jackie I had a

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** Oh my God I had a lover. I had a special someone.

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** Jackie they died on Valentines day.

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** And I never even

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** How could I forget something that important to me?

jameson listen to me **:you**

jameson whatever you forgot isnt your fault you understand **:you**

you didnt even know about this until today ok? jameson its not your fault **:you**

it is not your fault **:you**

i cant believe the fans did this **:you**

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** Jackie I still feel awful about this

can i come up to your room now? i can bring up some of mikes ice cream **:you**

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** Please? Can you?

of course of course :))) **:you**

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** Jackie thank you so much.

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** I don’t know what would have happened if you didn’t insist on checking on me.

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** You remember my powers right?

yeah lol you probably wouldve blown up half the house **:you**

or anti wouldve blown up half the house since he wouldnt be able to watch netflix **:you**

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** Oh yeah, it might have been worth it to see his reaction! XD

ok no more typing mister put your phone away **:you**

weve got tons of disney movies to watch :D **:you**

  
  


12:54 pm

jackie and jj your movies werent quiet enough **:you**

robbie heard the telltale sounds of the opening of a disney film **:you**

he is upset that you two didnt invite him in on your little movie night **:you**

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** so thats where they went

 **my memes suck eggs:** hey im upset now too >:(((

 **my memes suck eggs:** i wanted to watch frozen

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** anti you only watch it so you can sing the songs offkey and annoy us

 **my memes suck eggs:** thats all the movies good for though lol

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** We’re sorry, Robbie!

 **supermarketspiderman:** i cant believe he just now heard us

 **supermarketspiderman:** weve been watching movies since 10

guys he really wants to watch movies with you **:you**

 **supermarketspiderman:** thats up to jj

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** He can join us! We’re up in my room :D

thats perfect because i need to give you your valentines **:you**

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** I love Cara’s, but I’m afraid that’s too much glitter for me to handle.

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** We might need to move this marathon to the living room.

 **my memes suck eggs:** wait for me guys i have a movie request

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** if you suggest meet the robinsons again i will teleport you straight into the sun

 **my memes suck eggs:** nevermind guys i dont have any movie requests

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: I have the irresistible urge to create horrible and upsetting backstories for all of my versions of the egos kjfdghkf. I think Jameson's is pretty straightforward: his partner died on Valentine's Day because ~irony~ and he technically could have prevented it but he (unknowingly) chose not to. He was teleported to the Septics when Seán created him, but he didn't know anything about his past life yet because it wasn't created for him. He only just remembered because I, being the evil being that I am, made one for him. Also I'm pretty sure Jackie is trying to sneak through my window for this so helpsdfonlkjgfkjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj


	20. "is that a full on cupid cosplay bernice?? / are you  z i p l i n i n g  down the hallway rn????"

8:00 am

guys  **:you**

guys guess what  **:you**

guess what day it is guys  **:you**

**literal piss baby:** ber what day is it

**wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** its valentines day!!!!!!

correct  **:you**

**literal piss baby:** what is so special about today

**wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** what do you mean unus? we celebrate love today~

correct again  **:you**

**mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** unus you havent really had a chance to experience valentines day have you

**literal piss baby:** yeah not really

**literal piss baby:** last year i heard about what the ipliers did but i didnt participate

well then youll just have to do that today huh  **:you**

look unus i made you a valentine  **:you**

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)  **:you**

**literal piss baby:** dear god why is everything outside of my room p i n k

**literal piss baby:** i feel like im seeing shrimp colors right now

**honorary BeanTM:** The Lord says that today is Valentine’s Day!! :D

**Yahoo!:** Guys we may have gone overboard this year

yahoo we go overboard every year chill out  **:you**

**Yahoo!:** No I mean we really may have gone overboard

**Yahoo!:** I think we sent Gran into a spasm

**literal piss baby:** seriously?? gran im coming hold on

**mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** ok who decided that red strobe lights were a good idea

**wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** oops?

MIKE  **:you**

**honorary BeanTM:** Micheal D:<

**honorary BeanTM:** What do you have to say for yourself?

**wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** sorry gran :(

**literal piss baby:** i think shes fine just a little dazed

**literal piss baby:** and now i hate valentines day even more

**mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** unus stop being such a grouch smh

**mr. postman (yeah eah eah~):** youre acting like she could have actually died

yeah unus let me show you how cool valentines day can be  **:you**

**literal piss baby:** uh ok i guess

**literal piss baby:** wait is that a

**literal piss baby:** is that a full on cupid cosplay bernice??

**literal piss baby:** are you z i p l i n i n g down the hallway rn????

**wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** she hasnt worn that in years!! dont go anywhere unus i want some blackmail pics!

  
  


12:47 pm

**priv chat with sun boi**

hy eric thanks for the vlentine :))))  **:you**

**sun boi:** you’re welcome blankie!!

**sun boi:** thank you for giving me one, i didn’t know you could draw so good!

oh its nt tha good  **:you**

**sun boi:** blank are you kidding me? this drawing is so good i can’t even begin to describe how much i like it

**sun boi:** you’re talented blankie!

wel thnk you eric :D  **:you**

re you gys keepng damen  **:you**

**sun boi:** no 😔 dark said that one oversized dog is enough

thas ok i gues  **:you**

i wold ask if we cld tak them but my fmily rely doent do good wth pets  **:you**

**sun boi:** i already asked dark about that and he agreed with you kjdhkljghlf

**sun boi:** are you guys doing anything today? i want you to come over but if you’re doing something you don’t have to

i want to cme over eric :D  **:you**

bernic usaly plans smthin but its lmost alwys too much for me t handl  **:you**

**sun boi:** ok! can you be ready in ten minutes?

honsly im redy now lol  **:you**

**sun boi:** see you in a minute or two then!! :D <3

see yo soon eric  **:you**

...<3  **:you**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to write out a whole work with Blank and Eric because crackship go brrrrr, but I could not stop shaking out of happiness for them to type a single sentence. So you guys are getting this instead kjgfhklfj.  
> Also I really need to change Post's username sometime because every time I copy and paste the "mr." part into the rich text box it starts a numbered list kfjhgljkfd


	21. "anti can you please stop beating up the jims and bring dd back home"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *tosses this in your general direction* Here, hopefully this will keep you occupied while I contemplate my life choices and try to figure out how the fuck I forgot about Annus fkjghkajhsd

10:32 am

_eye cream created a group chat_

_eye cream named the chat room_ **_i found a fucking c a t_ **

_eye cream added your freestyle dance teacher *dances*_

_eye cream added honorary BeanTM_

_eye cream added dad <3 _

_eye cream added my memes suck eggs_

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) **:you**

whos cat is this **:you**

 **my memes suck eggs:** pp!!! thats where she fuckin went

 **your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** you na

 **your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** you named your cat PP???

 **dad <3: **no we didnt 

**dad <3: **her name is dd anti stop calling her that

 **my memes suck eggs:** her name is pp because robbie wanted her name to be pp

 **honorary BeanTM:** PP is adorable, Mr. Chase and Mr. Anti! 

**dad <3: **noooooooooo

 **my memes suck eggs:** i am victorious

can you guys just come pick up dd or pp or whatever **:you**

the jims are very set about having grilled cat meat for dinner **:you**

 **my memes suck eggs:** they better fuckin not im comin over there right now yan

 **my memes suck eggs:** pp i will save you if its the last thing i do

 **your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** go anti go save pp!!!

the jims are getting tortured again crab rave **:you**

 **honorary BeanTM:** Mr. Anti please be nice! D: Maybe it was a misunderstanding.

 **my memes suck eggs:** with all due respect father 

**my memes suck eggs:** i think its a little fuckin late to be saying its a misunderstandin

anti i didn’t expect you to do that kgjhklfhg **:you**

i was just joking oh my god **:you**

 **dad <3: **anti can you please stop beating up the jims and bring dd back home

 **my memes suck eggs:** *pp

 **your freestyle dance teacher *dances*:** *pp

 **honorary BeanTM:** I think her name is PP, Mr. Chase! :D

_dad <3 left the chat room _


	22. "i can get inside now, mommy dropped my leash handle"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops sorry for forgetting about a whole ass character kghjlkjshf, here's Annus' introduction

11:43 pm

_darkiplier added bdsm &ms _

**darkiplier:** I apologize, Annus, I was not aware that you were never added to this group chat. I will be calling Fischbach immediately for forgetting about one of his own egos.

 **bdsm &ms: **dark its fine honestly

 **bdsm &ms: **but could someone explain why the chat room name is “literally the stupidest fucking thing ever”???

 **eye cream:** because it is lol

 **eye cream:** we only ever use this to call someone out or to send memes back and forth

 **bdsm &ms: **u m w h o a r e y o u

 **eye cream:** oh yeah lkfghdlkdgsjhl i forgot about that

 **eye cream:** @insert whip crack change my fucking name back

_insert whip crack changed_ **_eye cream_ ** _’s name to_ **_im into swordplay_ **

**im into swordplay:** illinois smith

yandereplier **:you**

 **im into swordplay:** illinois i will steal every single piece of clothing you own

bold of you to assume i wouldnt enjoy walking around the manor nude **:you**

 **bdsm &ms: **illinois remind me why were not closer friends if were thinking the same thoughts

you drink piss **:you**

 **bdsm &ms: **understandable have a good day

 **im into swordplay:** illinois im five feet from your door come out here now

no ❤️ **:you**

 **im into swordplay:** illinois

n o ❤️ **:you**

 **im into swordplay:** illinois i am begging you to change my username

then beg **:you**

 **bdsm &ms: **thats pretty kinky

_sk8tr bruh changed_ **_im into swordplay_ ** _’s name to_ **_leash child_ **

**leash child:** bingiplier

 **sk8tr bruh:** yandereplier

 **leash child:** please can someone give me a name that actually represents me

 **spectacularshowhost:** yan i dont see a problem here

 **spectacularshowhost:** i think that new name suits you

 **sk8tr bruh:** its better than eye cream anyway you should be thankful

 **leash child:** well im not thankful because this is worse than eye cream

 **leash child:** at least eye cream was funny and not degrading

how is that degrading thats the perfect description of you **:you**

 **leash child:** i am still outside your door

oh boohoo im so scared whats she gonna do **:you**

they cant even get inside because her leash is too short **:you**

_bdsm &ms changed _ **_leash child_ ** _’s name to_ **_angry leash child with a katana_ **

**bdsm &ms: **illinois yan just passed by me and came back with a katana you might want to run

 **angry leash child with a katana:** ten second headstart bitch boy 

**angry leash child with a katana:** start running

 **angry leash child with a katana:** or is the adventurer too afraid

 **angry leash child with a katana:** oh boohoo hes so scared what is he gonna do

 **angry leash child with a katana:** i can get inside now, mommy dropped my leash handle

 **sk8tr bruh:** i feel very threatened and i am quaking in my crocs

 **sk8tr bruh:** and im not even on that side of the house

 **spectacularshowhost:** in any other situation i would be laughing at what yan typed but right now im concerned for my safety

going dark **:you**

 **shut up NURSE:**...I hear screaming but I am not helping whoever is being stabbed

 **shut up NURSE:** They probably deserve it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIP Illinois Smith, 2019-2021, cause of death: angry kid hooked to a child leash.


	23. "i cant believe hes fucking a robot"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um uh what is the actual ship name for Chase and Google jfkhfskfgdh

4:32 pm

“does chase brody is gay? (the rumor come out)” **:you**

 **dad <3: **marvin what the fuck are you talking about

you know what im talking about chase iplier **:you**

 **supermarketspiderman:** woah there is there a scandal amongst us egos? again?

 **zee good doktah:** If Chase is seeing one of the other egos we should be respectful about it

 **zee good doktah:** All of you are acting like middle school girls

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** I agree with Henrik!

 **my memes suck eggs:** sheep and jj if you dont want to take part in the teasin then by all means dont

 **my memes suck eggs:** but i am definitely going to tease him relentlessly

 **supermarketspiderman:** so which one is it chase

 **supermarketspiderman:** ew wait please dont say its yan shes a teenager

 **my memes suck eggs:** chase!! you have children what is wrong with you

its not yan but im not that evil to tell you who it is **:you**

 **dad <3: **that doesnt help me any marvin

 **dad <3:** seriously guys why do you feel the need to do this

 **supermarketspiderman:** because

because **:you**

 **my memes suck eggs:** because

 **dad <3: **fucking whatever

 **my memes suck eggs:** no youre fucking one of the ipliers

*slaps kneecaps* **:you**

 **my memes suck eggs:** marvin shut the fuck up

i didnt say anything lhjgslksghg **:you**

 **supermarketspiderman:** so chase youre gay? i thought you were american

 **dad <3: **im bisexual you twat

 **dad <3: **aw god fuck shit damnit

 **my memes suck eggs:** ladies and gentlemen, we got him

so chase would you like to tell everyone who it is that youre dating **:you**

 **dad <3: **no

 **my memes suck eggs:** guys remember i can see through cameras

 **my memes suck eggs:** jackie just start typing random ass names and well get him again

 **supermarketspiderman:** illinois

 **my memes suck eggs:** not him

 **supermarketspiderman:** hmmm bing

 **my memes suck eggs:** not him either

 **supermarketspiderman:** um uh magnum

 **my memes suck eggs:** jesus surely not

 **my memes suck eggs:** yeah thank fuck its a no

 **supermarketspiderman:** google?

 **my memes suck eggs:**...yeah oh my god

 **my memes suck eggs:** i cant believe hes fucking a robot

 **dad <3: **i am not fucking google and hes not fucking me because i asked him not to

 **my memes suck eggs:** ladies and gentlemen, we got him, AGAIN

ok boys now that youve found out who it is you need to dial down the teasing **:you**

and dont tell anyone else because mass chaos would occur otherwise **:you**

im trusting you all **:you**

 **supermarketspiderman:** ok ok but i have a genuine question for you chase

 **supermarketspiderman:** why google lmao

 **supermarketspiderman:** i didnt even know that he could feel emotions besides rage

 **dad <3: **googs can feel emotions jackie stop being ignorant

 **supermarketspiderman:** ok ig but what do you see in him

 **supermarketspiderman:** hes a robot chase

jackie what did i just tell you **:you**

 **dad <3: **you want to know why i love google??? huh?? you want to be such an ass about it jackie???

 **dad <3: **hes charming in a confusing nerdy way

 **dad <3: **he knows literally everything and i like learning from him

 **dad <3: **hes cute when he gets confused about human culture

 **dad <3: **hes even cuter when he gets flustered if i try to teach him about it

 **dad <3: **and i really really trust him

 **dad <3: **i feel safe around him

 **dad <3: **like ten times safer than when i was with stacy

 **dad <3: **is that the answer you wanted dickhead

 **my memes suck eggs:** chase are you ok?

 **supermarketspiderman:** chase im sorry i made you upset i didnt mean it /gen

 **supermarketspiderman:** what you said about him is adorable and im sorry for being a dick /gen

jackie i was going to beat you up **:you**

...and now im still going to beat you up jgfhkkjg **:you**

come face the wrath of three magicked chanclas you bastard **:you**

 **my memes suck eggs:** chase im goin to ask you again, are you ok?

 **dad <3: **anti really you can see me

 **my memes suck eggs:** i am aware i just wanted a typed answer dummy

 **dad <3: **whatever im ok now

 **dad <3: **could you just

 **dad <3: **could you guys not tease me about it anymore?

 **my memes suck eggs:** of course brody

  
  


4:45 pm

**priv chat with Google_Blue**

listen up fucker **:you**

 **Google_Blue:** Anti? Are you in need of assistance?

 **Google_Blue:** I was unaware that you had my ‘number.’

i can hack into some batshit crazy places tin can **:you**

and youre gonna need assistance if you hurt chase **:you**

 **Google_Blue:** He decided to tell you all after all? 

**Google_Blue:** Is it usual for humans to go behind their partner’s backs?

thats not what happened fucko so stop typing faster than me and look **:you**

marvin saw you two doing somethin in your workshop and he assumed somethin was goin on **:you**

we all figured it out when we were teasin him and he got mad about it **:you**

and before you set missiles on me or somethin it was jackie that made him upset not me **:you**

 **Google_Blue:** I understand. Is Chase feeling any better?

yeah we watched some shitty horror movies and made fun of them **:you**

but thats not why im texting you **:you**

im textin you to let you know that if you pluck a hair out of my brothers head **:you**

ill rip all of the wires out of your stupid body and shape them into cookie cutters for eric **:you**

 **Google_Blue:** My database has already registered that threat. 

**Google_Blue:** You need to be more creative in your insults. 

**Google_Blue:** Or perhaps you could have just typed, “fuck off.”

google im serious if you do something to my brother that makes him cry scream or whimper its on sight **:you**

on **:you**

sight **:you**

 **Google_Blue:** Why would anyone ever do anything to cause their partner pain? 

**Google_Blue:** Is that that BDSM Chase was telling me about? 

**Google_Blue:** I assure you that I will not try that on Chase. 

**Google_Blue:** He asked me not to make sexual advances on him, and I intend to keep his trust as my partner.

thats not **:you**

you fuckin **:you**

you know what the fuck im talking about google youre not fuckin braindead **:you**

 **Google_Blue:** Anti, yes, I do know what you are referring to.

 **Google_Blue:** I know about Chase’s past. I am aware of what he has been through.

 **Google_Blue:** I would never dream of making him experience that again.

 **Google_Blue:** And he will never have to with me by his side.

 **Google_Blue:** So no, I am not “braindead,” Anti.

i guess youre ok for now **:you**

but im still watchin you dipshit **:you**

 **Google_Blue: ...** Making my vision only available in HEX code #1eff00 was not necessary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not to ruin the moment or anything but one of their possible ship names is "Choogle" and I find that very inspiring. Choo choo, all aboard the Choogle Train!! ...Jesus Christ I am actually a toddler.


	24. "MICHAEL GAMEPLAYS YOU HAVE BEEN HIDING TWO DOGS IN THIS HOUSE FOR A MONTH???????"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I don't reply to comments much but if you have ever commented on one of my works, I am in love with you. I would kiss you full on the mouth in a No-COVID AU. Platonically, though. A gentle kiss between homies <3 /gen  
> Also another possible ship name for Google and Chase is Goose and I am in love with myself for figuring that out kjsdhkgf

8:56 am

_your freestyle dance teacher *dances* changed_ **_mr. postman (yeah eah eah~)_ ** _’s name to_ **_bbq sauce on my tiddies_ **

_bbq sauce on my tiddies changed_ **_your freestyle dance teacher *dances*_ ** _’s name to_ **_well when life gives you lemons_ **

_well when life gives you lemons changed_ **_bbq sauce on my tiddies_ ** _’s name to_ **_the benefits of killing [me] would be [bernice] would get pushed way less_ **

_the benefits of killing [me] would be [bernice] would get pushed way less changed_ **_well when life gives you lemons_ ** _’s name to_ **_whahwhakjhsdjkh lipstick in my valentino white bag_ **

_whahwhakjhsdjkh lipstick in my valentino white bag changed_ **_the benefits of killing [me] would be [bernice] would get pushed way less_ ** _’s name to_ **_back at it again at the krispy kreme_ **

_back at it again at the krispy kreme changed_ **_whahwhakjhsdjkh lipstick in my valentino white bag_ ** _’s name to_ **_i got big ass eyebrows_ **

oh my gosh ok you win post **:you**

wow thats fantastic actually i think ill keep that one **:you**

 **back at it again at the krispy kreme:** why thank you bernice

 **back at it again at the krispy kreme:** and i like mine too im not changing it back

 **honorary BeanTM:** Oh! Vine references! I love Vine :D

 **back at it again at the krispy kreme:** father please excuse my language

 **back at it again at the krispy kreme:** but i fucking love you

 **honorary BeanTM:** Aww thank you! You’ve been excused, Post :)))

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** hey guys not to be random or anything but i want a pet

mike no our last pet died **:you**

poor goldie **:you**

i still cant believe that you thought that slipping raw meat into his tank was a good idea **:you**

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** he needed some protein!!!

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** and im tired of going over to the septics or ipliers to snuggle an animal

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** why cant we have a discount spencer >:(((((

 **back at it again at the krispy kreme:** did bernice not just explain to you why we cant have pets anymore

 **back at it again at the krispy kreme:** you killed out last one mike

 **back at it again at the krispy kreme:** i would like a pet too but honestly we all have the attention span of toddlers

seconded **:you**

if i could focus on something for long enough id say that id think about it **:you**

but mike you have to understand that pets are a lot of work **:you**

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** i know!! and ive done a lot of research this time ask yahoo!!!!

 **Yahoo!:** I can confirm that Mike has actually used his brain and put thought into this

 **honorary BeanTM:** A pet would be nice. But Bernice is right, Mike, animals require a lot of time and attention. And responsibility.

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** and i know!!! I know i know i know!!!! do i have to prove to you guys that i can be responsible >:((((

hmmmmmmm you know what yeah **:you**

you do have to prove that youre capable of handling a pet **:you**

we all love and want an animal in the house but the main people who would take care of it would be you me and mrs thomson **:you**

 **literal piss baby:** why dont we steal a shelter dog and see if mike can keep it alive

 **Yahoo!:** We do not have to steal one

 **Yahoo!:** I skimmed through Mike’s purchase history on his credit card and it looks like he already payed the adoption fees for some mutt

 **Yahoo!:**...Mike

 **Yahoo!:** Mike did you pay for two dogs

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** uhhhhhh oops?

mike oh my god i said one dog not two **:you**

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** well that was before you said something!!! way before!!

 **back at it again at the krispy kreme:** mike what do you mean way before

 **back at it again at the krispy kreme:** mike answer me

 **back at it again at the krispy kreme:** mike

 **honorary BeanTM:**...So I haven’t been imagining those barking noises?

MICHAEL GAMEPLAYS YOU HAVE BEEN HIDING TWO DOGS IN THIS HOUSE FOR A MONTH??????? **:you**

im speedwalking over to your specialty room and if i see a mess i am going to BEAT YOUR ASS and then PUBLICLY HUMILIATE YOU **:you**

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** bernice its my room it can be as messy as i want it to be >:(((

 **literal piss baby:** rip mike 2017-2021

 **literal piss baby:** death by flip flop

mike **:you**

mike come here **:you**

 **Yahoo!:** It was a pleasure knowing you Mike

i would like to say a few words **:you**

mike has... surprised me **:you**

the room is not a mess **:you**

the dogs look well cared for and loved **:you**

and the dog fur on the floor is minimal meaning he actually brushed out the fluffy little sh*t **:you**

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) **:you**

congratulations mike you have two new pets **:you**

 **back at it again at the krispy kreme:** forget mike we all have two new pets

 **back at it again at the krispy kreme:** mike did you name them yet

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** no

 **honorary BeanTM:** They’re so cute! Does anyone know what breed they are?

 **Yahoo!:** I analyzed the photo and have determined that the larger black dog is a Labrador, and the fluffier and smaller white one is a Pomeranian.

 **literal piss baby:** ayyyyy unus annus dogs

 **literal piss baby:** pog

we are not naming them unus and annus you idiot **:you**

and i want mike to name them since theyre his dogs now **:you**

ok then **:you**

he says he cant type since he cant stop shaking but theyre names are cookie and cream **:you**

 **honorary BeanTM:** Like the ice cream! :D

 **back at it again at the krispy kreme:** dibs on cream

 **literal piss baby:** post i thought you were a big dog person

 **back at it again at the krispy kreme:** no i like little dogs

 **back at it again at the krispy kreme:** little dogs can be smuggled inside my uniform :)

 **literal piss baby:** to go where???

 **back at it again at the krispy kreme:** :)

post where are you trying to smuggle cream into **:you**

 **back at it again at the krispy kreme:** :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cookie and Cream are now part of the Crank family, sorry I don't make the rules ksdfjhgl.  
> Also Post is definitely not trying to smuggle Cream into Blank's room as his personal comfort buddy, no, definitely not... *wink wonk*


	25. "heehoo is???? texting???"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops I didn't publish any chapters yesterday my bad  
> Also you guys are getting two Iplier chapters in a row in light of Mark breaking his fucking foot djsfklaglh

9:28 am

eric where are you  **:you**

**sun boi:** i’m over at the cranks yancy :D

**sun boi:** why, do you guys need me?

no no its just that heehoo escaped the portal and nobody can catch him to put him back  **:you**

**bdsm &ms: ** hes very attached to me and i am scared

**sun boi:** oh no! I’ll be back home in a few minutes then

**angry leash child with a katana:** no eric you dont have to cut your date short gsjhfklh

**sun boi:** it’s not a date yan >:(((

i think it is sun  **:you**

**sun boi:** no it’s not >:(( i’m not dating blank

**sk8tr bruh:** ladies and gentlemen, we got him

we didnt say with blank eric  **:you**

**angry leash child with a katana:** eriiiiiiiiiiic 

**angry leash child with a katana:** you like blank don’t you eric

**angry leash child with a katana:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

**sun boi:** not like that >:((((((((((

**sun boi:** unsend that spongebob meme right now

**angry leash child with a katana:** no ❤️

**bdsm &ms: ** guys there is still a naked man chasing me help please

**sk8tr bruh:** @darkiplier

**darkiplier:** I refuse to be responsible for this. Whoever opened the portal needs to come forward and put HeeHoo back.

i thought only eric knew how to open it boss  **:you**

**darkiplier:** There are a few others, including myself, Google, and Host.

**bdsm &ms: ** @Google_Blue @HOST put the fucking feral guy back where he came from

**HOST:** The host has no idea what you are referring to

thats bullshit host and you know it  **:you**

**Google_Blue:** I have analyzed your current situation and have determined that the Host was the most probable cause of HeeHoo’s escape.

ha!  **:you**

**darkiplier:** Host, if you could please push HeeHoo back through the portal.

**HOST:** The host is, as the kids say, “going dark”

**bdsm &ms: ** HOST GET THE FUCKIN MAEEKJGFAJFSGHABKL NRKJGLHKSFELIGWHB

**bdsm &ms: ** helo

**angry leash child with a katana:** heehoo is???? texting???

**angry leash child with a katana:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

**angry leash child with a katana:** heehoo is using???? annuss phone??????

sun i thought he didnt know english  **:you**

**sun boi:** he knows english, i just didn’t know that he could respond in english

**bdsm &ms: ** (▶︎ VIEW VIDEO)

**sk8tr bruh:** run dude run 

**angry leash child with a katana:** heehoo pro tip: annuss weak spot is the knees

kjsdhglkhj heehoo annus is ticklish too  **:you**

**bdsm &ms: ** fuck all of youufgdislbujgfhjlb.kdfgkjhalkflahlksdjllgjkdc


	26. "no wait guys buy a bottle of lotion but wrap it so it looks completely different"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a chapter dedicated to Mark's most recent broken bone skdjfhlasgkfj

5:37 pm

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) **:you**

haha fischbach broke his foot **:you**

 **sun boi:** oh no!! i hope he feels better D:

 **angry leash child with a katana:** my man is ASHY oh my god

 **angry leash child with a katana:** lhjdlgkkdhfg amy needs to get him some lotion

 **darkiplier:** Perhaps we should give him get-well gifts.

dark?? being nice??? **:you**

 **darkiplier:** It is more likely than you think, Bim.

 **sk8tr bruh:** everyone just buy a bottle of lotion

 **angry leash child with a katana:** no wait guys buy a bottle of lotion but wrap it so it looks completely different

 **knockoffzuko:** 20 bucks to whoever can wrap it in the most ridiculous way

 **angry leash child with a katana:** bet

 **angry leash child with a katana:** you all are not prepared for this

  
  


7:34 pm

**angry leash child with a katana:** i am finished

 **sk8tr bruh:** yan how did you do that that fast

 **angry leash child with a katana:** when youre the favorite child everything gets done quicker

 **sk8tr bruh:** you are not the favorite yan

 **angry leash child with a katana:** you wanna bet bing

 **angry leash child with a katana:** @darkiplier

 **darkiplier:** Yes, Yan?

 **angry leash child with a katana:** can i go out to petco i need to buy some more treats for bubblegum

 **darkiplier:** Bubblegum has a full bin of treats. Why do you really need to go out, Yan?

 **sk8tr bruh:** haha yan

 **angry leash child with a katana:** to buy treats for myself

 **darkiplier:**...If you take longer than five minutes I am leaving you at Petco.

 **angry leash child with a katana:** thank you thank you thank you

 **sk8tr bruh:** first of all what the ****

 **sk8tr bruh:** second of all i am concerned because yan is still going to the pet store

 **angry leash child with a katana:** the training cookies are really good

to get back on topic i wrapped my lotion bottle like this **:you**

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) **:you**

 **angry leash child with a katana:** BIM LKJSDFLKJGFHL

 **angry leash child with a katana:** amy is going to slaughter you

amys nice she wont kill me **:you**

 **sun boi:** bim no!! it’s shaped like a dick, you can’t possible be thinking of sending that to mark! D:<

but i am lol **:you**

and yancy wheres my 20 bucks **:you**

 **knockoffzuko:** not so fast bucko

 **knockoffzuko:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

 **angry leash child with a katana:** YANCY NOT THE LADDER KSDJAFHLKJHGLKAJF

well damn ive been beaten **:you**

 **angry leash child with a katana:** wait wait wait you have to see mine

 **angry leash child with a katana:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

 **knockoffzuko:** pipsqueak no way fjghlsfjakruy

 **angry leash child with a katana:** yes way

 **angry leash child with a katana: “** yes i did that. and you would do it too for a check. i was an employee—”

ok yan and her wrapped plate of nachos wins **:you**

 **HOST:** The host believes he and Illinois Smith may have won

 **HOST:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

 **angry leash child with a katana:** lkshagflkjlkjh how did you fit a bottle of lotion into that wrapping paper

 **angry leash child with a katana:** chairs are usually flat host

 **HOST:** The host specifies that the lotion bottle is travel sized, should Mark fischbach need to go to the hospital again

get his ass host ajhglkjhada **:you**

 **knockoffzuko:** host an illy win then

 **knockoffzuko:** wait where is illy

 **HOST:** The host says that he is in immense pain as a result of our creators recent injury

shit is he in docs office **:you**

 **HOST:** The host says you may ask him yourself, he is awake after all

 **HOST:** @insert whip crack

 **insert whip crack:** hey babes

 **angry leash child with a katana:** for the love of god please dont ever type that again

 **angry leash child with a katana:** but are you good

 **insert whip crack:** honestly? no

 **insert whip crack:** but i should be fine its just pain

 **insert whip crack:** its not like its actually broken

illinois dont jinx it **:you**

and are you in docs office rn **:you**

 **insert whip crack:** nope im in my room suffering

 **angry leash child with a katana:** @shut up NURSE keep more tabs on your patients doc

 **shut up NURSE:** He didnt tell me this was affecting him

 **shut up NURSE:** Illinois get over here

 **shut up NURSE:** WAIT

doc you really told him to walk over there when he has a wrecked foot **:you**

 **angry leash child with a katana:** no wonder youre not an actual doctor

 **shut up NURSE:** Illinois do not walk I REPEAT DO NOT WALK OVER HERE

 **shut up NURSE:** Ill come get you I guess

 **insert whip crack:** how romantic

 **insert whip crack:** being carried to the clinic with an injury

 **shut up NURSE: I** am no longer coming to get you

 **shut up NURSE:** Bim can do it

no doc hes your patient kjghlksjhlk **:you**

 **sun boi:** i can get you illy :D

 **insert whip crack:** thank you eric

 **angry leash child with a katana:** eric i didnt think you could lift that much weight

 **insert whip crack:** 1\. rude

 **insert whip crack:** and 2. eric said that hes been practicing apparently

 **insert whip crack:** hes pretty good at this actually

 **insert whip crack:** better than bim anyway :/

im sorry i dropped you that one time mr muscles **:you**

_angry leash child with a katana changed_ **_insert whip crack_ ** _’s name to_ **_mr muscles_ **

**mr muscles:** fuck you

 **mr muscles:** when my foot feels better i will beat you up

 **sun boi:** i got illy to the clinic :D

 **angry leash child with a katana:** good job eric 

guys how are we gonna get the lotion to mark **:you**

 **angry leash child with a katana:** um the portal door obviously

 **knockoffzuko:** not obviously because the ladder wont fold up right

 **knockoffzuko:** oh sorry

 **knockoffzuko:** the ‘ladder’ wont fold up right

 **angry leash child with a katana:** ok well

 **angry leash child with a katana:** @darkiplier

 **darkiplier:** I just brought you to Petco and back, I am not transporting bottles of lotion to Fischbach’s house.

 **angry leash child with a katana:** pleeeeaaaaaaaase darky please

 **angry leash child with a katana:** please please please please please please

 **darkiplier:**...Fine.

whoop whoop three cheers for yan being the favorite **:you**

 **sk8tr bruh:** not true

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The training treats at my local Petco are actually really good dhsglajh, they taste like chocolate chip cookies without the chocolate chips.


	27. "anti you are radiating so much dad energy i can feel it through my phone"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soft!Anti incoming because I can and will type about it kjshgflkashdaf

2:12 pm

dads are asleep time for chaos **:you**

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** jackie what

dads are asleep time for c h a o s **:you**

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** jackie who are you referring to

chase and anti obviously **:you**

 **my memes suck eggs:** i am not a dad and im not fucking asleep

_pussy talented it does card tricks changed_ **_my memes suck eggs_ ** _’s name to_ **_daddy <3_ **

_ḑ̶̨̤̣̻̜͋͝ạ̴̡͙̣̀͛̈́͋̅͘͜d̸̛̦̮ḋ̶̼͘y̸̡̭͛͝ ̶̪͕̺͈̿̎̉̽͑ <̵̩̱̄̂̕3̵̭̕ changed _ **_daddy <3_ ** _’s name to_ **_antiseptichandsoap_ **

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** thats not fair dad >:((((

 **antiseptichandsoap:** i am not your dad please dont fucking call me that

awww anti just doesnt wanna admit that he has a soft spot **:you**

 **antiseptichandsoap:** because i fuckin dont have one

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** then whats this

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

anti awwwwwww is that you and robbie cuddling **:you**

that is the most precious thing ive ever seen **:you**

 **antiseptichandsoap:** fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** anti oh my god were not making fun of you or anything

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** we think thats cute that you have a soft side <3

pffffffff he went dark **:you**

anti come back we love you **:you**

well we love your softer side but well settle for the sadistic side too **:you**

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** Anti, you can not escape from being soft

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** You live with Robbie, it was inevitable that you would develop dad-like traits

 **antiseptichandsoap:** I AM NOT A FUCKING DAD

yes you are **:you**

 **puppetkjdfbkgsd:** Yes, you are!

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** yes you are

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** @dad <3 can you confirm that anti has become a dad

 **dad <3: **as a father of five i can indeed confirm that anti is a dad

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** ha take that dad

 **antiseptichandsoap:** if im a dad then who are my fuckin kids

anti are you braindead **:you**

robbie and eric obviously **:you**

 **dad <3: **were co-dads then <3

 **dad <3: **join the dad club anti

 **antiseptichandsoap:** n o

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** anti if you dont want to be a dad were just gonna label you as the fucked up uncle of the family kjdsfhlkfgajh

 **antiseptichandsoap:** i will take that over being a fucking dad then

actually i think hed be in charge of blank too **:you**

 **antiseptichandsoap:** ive never even really talked to him lol

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** youve ne

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** youve never talked to blank

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** h o w

anti seriously??? **:you**

 **dad <3: **anti how have you never talked to blank hes a sweetie

 **antiseptichandsoap:** i have no fuckin reason to have a conversation with him

 **dad <3: **yes you do him and eric are like best friends

more like friends with benefits but yeah theyre really close **:you**

 **antiseptichandsoap:** if you absolutely want me to i guess i could text him later

 **pussy talented it does card tricks:** good

cool anti will gain another kid **:you**

 **antiseptichandsoap:** i a m n o t a f u c k i n g d a d 

  
  


4:19 pm

**priv chat with antiseptichandsoap**

**antiseptichandsoap:** help i think i am a fuckin dad

what did we tell you anti **:you**

 **antiseptichandsoap:** shut up chase

 **antiseptichandsoap:** blank is adorable actually

 **antiseptichandsoap:** and i hate that hes so sad >:((((((

i want to keep teasing you about this but i cant **:you**

did blank explain why hes so sad all the time **:you**

 **antiseptichandsoap:** the kids not one for words

 **antiseptichandsoap:** he used a whiteboard almost the entire time i was over there

so you visited him in person **:you**

anti youve gotten really soft **:you**

 **antiseptichandsoap:** fuckin shut upppppppp

 **antiseptichandsoap:** do you know why hes like that then

yeah **:you**

ethan made him like that **:you**

 **antiseptichandsoap:** he fuckin w h a t

wait stop anti hold on before you go on a murder spree **:you**

anti i hear you stomping around up there you have to stop and listen for a sec **:you**

ethan didnt mean to **:you**

he didnt know that blank would become more than just a part of a skit **:you**

none of the creators knew about that **:you**

 **antiseptichandsoap:** youre sure that nestor didnt know

anti im sure **:you**

 **antiseptichandsoap:** i guess i wont go kill him :/

if you killed him then blank would disappear too **:you**

 **antiseptichandsoap:** you dont know that

youre right but i dont want to find out if my guess is right **:you**

 **antiseptichandsoap:** whatever

 **antiseptichandsoap:** he laughed when i was over there yknow

 **antiseptichandsoap:** it was quiet but he laughed

 **antiseptichandsoap:** i like his laugh

anti you are radiating so much dad energy i can feel it through my phone **:you**

 **antiseptichandsoap:** shut the fuck up chase i swear to god

 **antiseptichandsoap:** fine ill shut up then

no you can continue gushing about how adorable blank is **:you**

i wont interrupt you anymore **:you**

 **antiseptichandsoap:** how often does blank come out of his room

oh um **:you**

maybe once a week? the worst it got was once every three months **:you**

 **antiseptichandsoap:** thats gonna fuckin change immediately

 **antiseptichandsoap:** bye im living at the cranks now

anti no **:you**

anti **:you**

you better reply to me or ill make sean ground you **:you**

anti **:you**

ANTI I JUST GOT A TEXT FROM BERNICE WHAT THE FUCK **:you**

GET YOURSELF AND YOUR DUFFEL BAGS BACK OVER HERE **:you**

IM CALLING SEAN **:you**

_read 4:22 pm_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anti is soft confirmed


	28. "I don’t know but it’s acting like a feral child and gnawing on an exposed part of my leg"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My brain cells... are unavailable for comment. I think they're sorry for not publishing any stories today, but I haven't heard anything from them since I woke up this morning.

9:23 am

someone help cream escaped into goozs pond **:you**

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) **:you**

 **literal piss baby:** aw just let him swim around post

 **literal piss baby:** hes looks like hes having fun

hes going to DROWN i need HELP **:you**

 **literal piss baby:** wheres gooz then its their pond

they literally just left for a trip to visit heehoo **:you**

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** @wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi wheres the comically oversized fish net

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** the one for the pool and gooz??? its in the poolside bin

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** there you go post use that

im not using a fish net to grab cream **:you**

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** theres no other way to bring him out of the water so your loss ig

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** post if my dog drowns i am coming after you

its not my fault somebody left the door open to goozs room **:you**

 **blanketboy:** oops

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** blank?? blank its ok you didnt mean to

 **blanketboy:** ber i knw that

 **blanketboy:** im not beatng mself up over it so calm dwn pleas

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** ok blank why were you over in goozs room

 **blanketboy:** why r you over mindng yur buisnes ber >:(

 **literal piss baby:** blank since when did you get so sassy

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** blank if you dont tell us about your latest visit then were going to assume the worst

 **literal piss baby:** i wouldnt call him and eric dating ‘the worst’ ber

 **literal piss baby:** theyd make a cute couple

 **blanketboy:** no coment 

ok ok can we move past teasing blank and get cream out of the pond **:you**

 **blanketboy:** ofer him a stck 

**blanketboy:** he likes sticks :D

that actually worked **:you**

thanks for saving cream blank **:you**

 **blanketboy:** np :)

 **literal piss baby:** can we get back to teasing blank 

**literal piss baby:** its an enjoyable pasttime

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** no i think its time to leave him alone

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** if he wants to keep secrets then well just find about them the hard way

 **blanketboy:** thank you ber

 **Yahoo!:** Have any of you seen Mrs. Thomson this morning?

uhhhh nope why **:you**

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** nobody said she was here on out daily check in

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** do you think she faded again

 **Yahoo!:** No I just needed to talk to her about someone

 **literal piss baby:** why

 **literal piss baby:** yahoo why

 **Yahoo!:** We may or may not have a new roommate

yahoo whats that supposed to mean **:you**

 **Yahoo!:** I um

 **Yahoo!:** I really don’t know how to explain this so

 **Yahoo!:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

 **literal piss baby:** oh sweet jesus what is THAT

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** yahoo what the fuck is that

 **Yahoo!:** I don’t know but it’s acting like a feral child and gnawing on an exposed part of my leg

hold on **:you**

hmmmmmmmm i kind of recognize it **:you**

i think fischbach used it in a skit maybe?? **:you**

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** oh shit post youre right thats lunky!!!!

 **literal piss baby:** l u n k y ???

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** what kind of name is lunky

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** mark used it as a replacement for his editor interactions in a few of his videos

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** thats interesting that it appeared at our place though

yahoo did they just appear of did they walk up to you **:you**

 **literal piss baby:** no wait heres a more important question yahoo

 **literal piss baby:** why did you only want to talk to gran about that

 **Yahoo!:**...She’s good with children, right?

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** that thing isnt a kid yahoo

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** that looks like an animate piece of paper

 **Yahoo!:** OK but they’re acting like a child! I don’t know how to handle children! 

**Yahoo!:** Or how to stop them from eating my synthetic skin!

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** ugh fine im on my way

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** where are you

 **Yahoo!:** Outside

maybe you could just push them into the pool **:you**

 **literal piss baby:** can pieces of paper drown

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** YAHOO DO NOT TRY TO DROWN LUNKY

 **Yahoo!:** I wasn’t planning on it Bernice

yahoo you never answered my question **:you**

 **Yahoo!:** They sort of… hopped over to me? From inside

 **Yahoo!:** They seem to not be able to actually move their lower leg joints, but they somehow can use enough momentum to hop around

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** thats interesting and strange and freaky

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** all in favor of drowning the paper ‘child’

 **Yahoo!:** Bernice will not permit me to drop Lunky into the pool

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** for a GOOD REASON

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** im heading over to the ipliers to talk this out with dark

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** if i could detach lunky from yahoos SKIN

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** lunky it doesnt taste good stop trying

 **literal piss baby:** im not going to ask how you know what yahoos skin tastes like

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** i wanted to try making a new ice cream flavor

 **literal piss baby:** the context somehow made it even worse

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** :)

what do you guys think theyll do with lunky **:you**

 **literal piss baby:** put him in a paper shredder

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** i feel like theyd shred him and then find some way to make king use it for his squirrels nests

pffffff i could see that **:you**

i was thinking theyd set him on bim **:you**

if he likes skin that much hed have his own little cannibal kid **:you**

 **literal piss baby:** skjghkjsh cannibal kid

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** guess who found out that lunky can screech very loudly :))))))

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** at least we were outside

 **Yahoo!:** I think my audio processors have been fried

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** i got the little shit off of yahoo though

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** im off to the iplers now

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** lets hope i dont drop them on the walk over

 **literal piss baby:** *soldiers salute*

*soldiers salute* **:you**

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** *soldiers salute*

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** i will turn back around and set this thing on you guys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I made a Markiplier Makes reference. I quote "why are you over-minding your business, bitch??" at LEAST three times a day ksjahgkl
> 
> (also you guys are free to beat me up now for not publishing the sleepover fic /hj jsgkjhd)


	29. "guys lunky just glued themself to my prosthetic"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My brain cells are still not reporting back to me :/. Maybe they took a vacation? Not sure where they would vacate to though, they're not really all that healthy to be able to walk somewhere...

9:38 am

AHHHHH WHO LET THIS THING LOOSE NEAR MY SUBJECTS??????  **:you**

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)  **:you**

_ darkiplier added i got big ass eyebrows _

**darkiplier:** Bernice. Explain immediately.

**i got big ass eyebrows:** dark i swear it was not my intention to let go of lunky just now

**i got big ass eyebrows:** they tried to bite me and i didnt want to find out if they had rabies or not

**darkiplier:** I do not care why you let it go. I care why you have brought it into my house.

**i got big ass eyebrows:** lunky was a character that your creator created and i wanted to happily turn them over to you all

**i got big ass eyebrows:** i dont know how they ended up over at our place but i wasnt about to deal with them for more than five minutes

**i got big ass eyebrows:** your lucky i didnt drop them on the way over here

**darkiplier:** I would have much rather preferred that, actually.

SMEBOD Y HLP MY SQUIREESL  **:you**

**insert whip crack:** ill save them king

**angry leash child with a katana:** im coming king!!!

**knockoffzuko:** @sun boi you think you can tame this thing too?

**sun boi:** they look and seemingly act entirely different than heehoo yancy!!

**sun boi:** i don’t think i’d want to try that anyway, they look scary

**angry leash child with a katana:** ugh illy beat me to to the dome

**angry leash child with a katana:** its kinda funny seeing him try to wrestle a piece of paper though

**angry leash child with a katana:** (▶︎ VIEW VIDEO)

**knockoffzuko:** oh my god that things terrifying

**knockoffzuko:** its beating illy in a fist fight??

**knockoffzuko:** king you might wanna just relocate your squirrels

**sun boi:** you know who i think they would like? the jims

**angry leash child with a katana:** you know what yeah they do act almost exactly like the jims

**angry leash child with a katana:** also fyi lunky just left the dome

**insert whip crack:** and you didnt even try to stop them!!!

**angry leash child with a katana:** oops?

**shut up NURSE:** If you come across this Lunky keep all of your body parts covered and away from its mouth

**shut up NURSE:** I am not in the mood for experimenting with treatments today

they BIT one of my SUBJECTS doc!!!  **:you**

what do i do to treat this??? squirrels cant contract rabies but this bitten squirrel is twitching and frothing at the mouth  **:you**

**angry leash child with a katana:** idk you could ask google

**knockoffzuko:** why would googs know how to treat an unknown animal disease yan

**angry leash child with a katana:** good point

**angry leash child with a katana:** go ask schneep then

**sun boi:** guys

**sun boi:** guys lunky is in front of me

**sun boi:** lunky just glued themself to my prosthetic

**sun boi:** like actually glued themselves, i keep shaking my leg and they won’t drop off

**darkiplier:** Derekson do not panic. I will be over to remove it from you in a second.

**darkiplier:** Hm. I may just have figured out what to do with them.

**angry leash child with a katana:** well go ahead dark dont be all cryptic on us

**sun boi:** dark i’m not panicking, they’re just hanging out

**sun boi:** they’re making a weird static noise though, i’m not sure if that’s good or not

**darkiplier:** Perhaps I should send Lunky back from whence it came.

**i got big ass eyebrows:** absolutely fucking not

**darkiplier:** I did not mean back to your house, Bernice. I meant back to Fischbach’s.

**i got big ass eyebrows:** thats better

**sun boi:** lunky is… dissolving my prosthetic leg?

**sun boi:** they jumped off and now they’re gnawing on it an it’s actually starting to fall apart

**darkiplier:** Eric where are you.

**sun boi:** right outside my room

**angry leash child with a katana:** rip docs bank account hes gonna have to get a new one

**shut up NURSE:** I knew it would happen eventually, I have at least three extras

**angry leash child with a katana:** damn ok then

  
  


9:54 am

**priv chat with darkiplier**

dark again i am so sorry for causing a mass panic at the manor  **:you**

**darkiplier:** It’s alright. Everything should be fine now, and that nuisance has been returned to it’s owner. 

**darkiplier:** Is there something you wish to ask me? You are still online.

yeah um  **:you**

do you have any idea why he showed up at our house and not yours?  **:you**

i mean nestor had nothing to do with lunky but yahoo said he still arrived in our house  **:you**

**darkiplier:** I.. have my suspicions. One of which is mightily disturbing and perhaps a bit disrespectful toward your family.

oh please kjdshgkl  **:you**

whatever your theory is it cant be more insulting than mikes entire existence /j  **:you**

**darkiplier:** Alright. I am under the impression that Lunky Arrived at your residence because it was… a lesser being. 

**darkiplier:** It is underdeveloped, and left without a proper backstory. It’s life force is solely the back of the fans’ minds. It may very well have Faded already.

**darkiplier:** I apologize if I come off as rude, comparing it to you Cranks.

**darkiplier:** Bernice?

no dark youre good its fine  **:you**

i was just soaking it in yknow  **:you**

i guess youre right we are kind of ‘underdeveloped’ too  **:you**

were all fanon kind of and it would make sense that we would greet other fanon and lesser known egos  **:you**

**darkiplier:** Have you ever had someone Fade and never Return again?

**darkiplier:** I apologize again. You do not have to answer me.

dark its f i n e  **:you**

it happened once i guess  **:you**

i think his name was challenge mcgyver or something??  **:you**

post was the one most upset over it  **:you**

he still celebrates his arrival day every year :/  **:you**

i feel really bad for not really remembering about him but were so used to dying all the time that it doesnt really bother us anymore  **:you**

especially unus and his fascination with death or whatever gfjkhlkdh  **:you**

**darkiplier:** Bernice I may not show it but I hold immense sympathy for you and your siblings.

**darkiplier:** I could never imagine the pain that you all got through on a weekly basis.

**darkiplier:** ...Take care of yourself, please. And try not to let the next unexpected ego loose in my house after they Arrive at yours.

aye aye captain kjfghkafjhdf  **:you**

and uh  **:you**

thanks dark :)  **:you**

_ read 10:01 am _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lunky in Markiplier's house, what will they do??   
> Also I know the guy's name is actually Challenge McGee, I wanted to make it look like Bernice kind of forgot about him.   
> Also also angst?? In *my* chatfic?? It's more likely than you think.


	30. "look whatever hes going to do with the bowling balls and robbie shouldnt be life threatening"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Help I have the urge to cosplay as Dark

2:14 pm

**supermarketspiderman:** i have the urge to go bowling

then go bowling? theres literally nothing stopping you jackie  **:you**

**supermarketspiderman:** yes there is chase

**supermarketspiderman:** marvins mad at me :(

hmmmm i wonder why  **:you**

those dragon tears or whatever arent gonna replace themselves jackie  **:you**

**supermarketspiderman:** i didnt fucking mean to knock the bottle over ok???

**supermarketspiderman:** @pussy talented it does card tricks ive apologized like fifty times jesus marvin im sorry

**antiseptichandsoap:** marvin stop bein a petty bitch

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** im not being petty anti

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** i am very reasonably still upset over a wasted batch of spell supplies

marvin if you send jackie to a random bowling alley he wont be around to mess up anything else  **:you**

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** that would be rewarding him and i do not want to do that

**supermarketspiderman:** marvin pleeeeeaaaaaaaassseeeeee

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** no jackie!!

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** you know better than to go into my special room >:(((

**antiseptichandsoap:** jackie ill take ya since pussys still got a stick up his arse

maybe we can all go?  **:you**

marvin you look like you could use a break  **:you**

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** no i dont

marvin you look like you just got back from the grocery store with those heavy bags under your eyes  **:you**

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** i have more important things to do instead of bowling

**antiseptichandsoap:** ewwwww youre starting to sound like sheep

**antiseptichandsoap:** @zee good doktah hey could you maybe not spread your influence to the rest of the house

**zee good doktah:** Marvin you do look like you havent slept in ages

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** youre one to talk

**zee good doktah:** I really think you should go bowling with us

marvin even schneep is going with us  **:you**

you know what jackie help me grab marvin  **:you**

**supermarketspiderman:** oooh are we gonna drag him there?? fun 

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** GT THE DUCK OFFSFA O ME HEJKLAFAP 

**antiseptichandsoap:** mission passed

**antiseptichandsoap:** respect +

**thegreatjackson:** Why do I hear angry hissing sounds? Is PP being agitated?

**antiseptichandsoap:** no jj were dragging marv out to go bowling

**antiseptichandsoap:** go get robbie and meet us in the living room

**thegreatjackson:** OK!

**zee good doktah:** Jameson who did you get to change your username

**thegreatjackson:** No comment

**antiseptichandsoap:** jj what

**antiseptichandsoap:** wait jj now were gonna assume things

**zee good doktah:** Jameson well find out eventually

**thegreatjackson:** N o c o m m e n t

  
  
  


5:35 pm

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** that was fun

says the idiot that didnt even want to go in the first place  **:you**

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** shut up chase

**supermarketspiderman:** um did anyone not notice that robbie just stole one of the bowling balls

**zee good doktah:** Robert! Someone needs to tell him that the ball needs to go back

i dont think it was robbies fault actually  **:you**

@thegreatjackson would you like to explain why youre sneaking off with three bowling balls  **:you**

**thegreatjackson:** Guilty as charged, unfortunately.

**thegreatjackson:** Go ahead, send Robbie and I back there so I can return them.

**supermarketspiderman:** i may be stupid but i think theres something else going on here

**zee good doktah:** Yes I suspect something is happening too

**zee good doktah:** Jameson why did you take them in the first place?

**thegreatjackson:** They look rather neat! Look, this one is swirly!

**thegreatjackson:** (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) 

look whatever hes going to do with the bowling balls and robbie shouldnt be life threatening  **:you**

i say go ahead and send them back over marvin  **:you**

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** fine

**pussy talented it does card tricks:** get back over here both of you

**thegreatjackson:** Alright! :D

  
  
  


10:43 pm

w h e r e i s r o b b i e  **:you**

**thegreatjackson:** He’s still with me, Chase.

still  **:you**

STILL???????  **:you**

@pussy talented it does card tricks MARVIN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING MAKE THEM A PORTAL HOME  **:you**

**supermarketspiderman:** hes dead asleep and schneep told me not to move him or hed shove a thermometer up my ass

**supermarketspiderman:** he must have been really tired because im trying everything to wake him up and its not working

**zee good doktah:** Jackie what did I tell you not to do

**zee good doktah:** I’m about to waste a perfectly good thermometer on your ass

**zee good doktah:** Literally

**supermarketspiderman:** going dark

**thegreatjackson:** Chase, Robbie is fine :D

**thegreatjackson:** We’ve been bowling for a while, and he’s getting really good at it!

**thegreatjackson:** I like watching him do a little shimmy every time he gets a strike :)))))

**thegreatjackson:** (▶︎ VIEW VIDEO) 

thatd be all well and good if it wasnt fucking ELEVEN AT NIGHT JJ!!!!!  **:you**

**antiseptichandsoap:** i contacted dark and he said hed get them back here

**antiseptichandsoap:** now everyone shut the hell up im trying to sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Help I also have the urge to start writing a chapter work on the Cranks but I have nothing to write about with them (at least nothing that would last an entire like 20 chapters ksjhgldfkhd)  
> Also Jameson's new username is a reference to The Great Gatsby if anyone was wondering.


	31. "where are you all?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)

6:30 am

this is bernice with your daily not dead announcement! type in chat if youre not dead today  **:you**

guys?  **:you**

hellooooo  **:you**

really? not even blank?  **:you**

@blanketboy ??  **:you**

anyone?  **:you**

  
  
  


7:34 am

guys this isnt funny  **:you**

i swear to god if i dont see one of you by 9 im going to  **:you**

nevermind  **:you**

please please please be ok  **:you**

please be ok guys  **:you**

youve got to be ok  **:you**

  
  


9:02 am

guys?  **:you**

this is pitiful really  **:you**

guys please  **:you**

whichever one of you was able to completely wipe away all of your specialty rooms better fess up right now  **:you**

this isnt  **:you**

do you guys know how much youre worrying me right now?  **:you**

i cant believe you all rn  **:you**

  
  


10:22 am

im this close to contacting the septics  **:you**

maybe even the ipliers im that desperate  **:you**

where are you all?  **:you**

i dont want to believe it but you guys are making this really difficult  **:you**

  
  
  


2:28 pm

why?  **:you**

guys why?  **:you**

i  **:you**

i should be ready for this. i should have expected this to happen sometime  **:you**

why  **:you**

why am i the only one left?  **:you**

why not blank? or unus or gooz or literally anyone else???  **:you**

i hate this. i hate you guys  **:you**

no i dont  **:you**

no i dont hate you guys  **:you**

just come back  **:you**

please  **:you**

  
  


5:32 pm

you guys know those stages of grief or whatever??  **:you**

i cant believe that we were all trained to be at the fifth stage immediately  **:you**

i miss you guys  **:you**

its only been like a few hours but it still hurts  **:you**

it hurts that im not eating grans cooking rn  **:you**

it hurts that i cant hear post and mike arguing outside  **:you**

it hurts that i dont see blank smiling  **:you**

i would have settled for you frowning blank  **:you**

jesus christ it hurts that i can cuss in this chat now since father  **:you**

since youre all gone  **:you**

youre all gone  **:you**

youre all gone  **:you**

im  **:you**

why  **:you**

i cant think  **:you**

maybe i do need to talk to the septics before i go the same way as wilford  **:you**

or mike  **:you**

or maybe not  **:you**

would i ever be able to see you guys again if i did?  **:you**

  
  
  


11:41 pm

you know what?  **:you**

i think im gonna wait for you guys  **:you**

yeah!! ill stay up and wait for you all to get back!  **:you**

this has happened before, you guys always come back!!  **:you**

we all come back after fading!!  **:you**

you guys better return quick, i could really use mrs thomsons help with this welcome back cake!!  **:you**

see you guys soon :)))  **:you**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys can have some angst, as a treat. Yes I'm going to keep writing about the Cranks in this work kjdshfglk, I just felt like making Bernice sad but I didn't have the energy to make a fully fledged work oops.  
> Also I am now imagining a distraught and insane Bernice running around the house preparing for a Welcome Home party for all of eternity :). And I'm also imagining one of the Septics coming to check on the Cranks and seeing Bernice sitting patiently by the dining room table, a stale, three month old cake sitting in front of her as she practically chants "Any time now! They should Return soon!" :)


	32. "what are you whining for hes got built in heelies"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🎶Fuck being..... I'm sick....🎶  
> Also sorry for causing your guys emotional pain yesterday 😔🤧 I will do my best to replicate it later 🤩😙

7:42 pm

help **:you**

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** with what unus

blank and cookie fell asleep on me but i want to go back to my room **:you**

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** why

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** thats like the comfiest position to be in

i cant feel my legs and this position is not good for anyones neck **:you**

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** just get up?? its literally not that hard

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** mike he just said he cant feel his legs

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** sounds like a personal problem

h e l p **:you**

 **back at it again at the krispy kreme:** just slink out from under them like a noodle

 **back at it again at the krispy kreme:** wait actually where are you

 **back at it again at the krispy kreme:** that might be dangerous

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** since when are you worried about unuss safety post

 **back at it again at the krispy kreme:** im not talking about unus you idiot im talking about blank

 **back at it again at the krispy kreme:** he could hit his noggin :(

uh maybe you dont have to come and help guys **:you**

cookie woke up and is assaulting blank with slobber **:you**

oh and we were chilling on the couch post **:you**

but now were not since blank is up now **:you**

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** hmmmmm im worried

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** about blank waking up?? bernice what is your problem

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** no im worried because nothing bad has happened today yet

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** nothing is broken or messed up

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** nobody has gotten hurt

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** it just feels weird

 **Yahoo!:** You might ȟ̷̠ǎ̵͜ve jinxed it Bern̸̓͜i̶̦͋c̵̱̃e

woah yahoo you good? **:you**

 **back at it again at the krispy kreme:** ah shoot did you get another virus?

another???? **:you**

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** unus there was one time back when google was a huge shithead where he gave some sort of virus to anti

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** but he didnt show any symptoms of it and he accidentally passed it to yahoo

yikes **:you**

do you think that happened again? **:you**

 **Yahoo!:** Nỏ̶͖

 **Yahoo!:** I think B̵̙̐B̸͈̄B̸̀͜B̴̙̚B̴̌ͅB̵̼̑i̴͉̽ng did something the la̸͎̎å̸̳a̸̳á̵̼a̷͚̎s̴͖̔t time I w̵̦̚w̶̬͌w̴̦͋ẉ̸̕w̵̖̒w̸̖̒w̵̪̌as over

 **back at it again at the krispy kreme:** bing? yahoo i think your systems totally fried man

 **Yahoo!:** Idiị̸͌i̷̝̽ǐ̵̦i̸̬͐o̷̖͆t̵͎͂ was meeeeessing w̵̺̿w̷̗̄w̴͖͑w̶̧͑i̵̜͘t̸͔̋h some s̵͎͗s̷̞̑s̶͎̏s̴͕̊s̶̪̈́ǒ̸̧rt of

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** i think he shut down oof

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** at least we cant actually die or anything

he needs to be taken over to the ipliers or something **:you**

unless any of you know how to repair damaged half robots **:you**

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** whos taking him over there

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** not it

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** not it

 **back at it again at the krispy kreme:** not it

 **blanketboy:** no it

fuck **:you**

do you guys know how heavy he is **:you**

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** what are you whining for hes got built in heelies

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** youll be fine its only a walk down the block

yeah with a deadweight android that weighs about as much as your ice cream truck **:you**

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** oh my god unus just suck it up

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** hes not that hard to handle

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** here ill push him to the door for you if you want me to

thank you bernice **:you**

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** wait help

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** help heLP HELP YAHOO WOKE BACK UP

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** HES CHASING ME AN HIS EYS R GLOINSD RES

 **i got big ass eyebrows:** AHT D OI DO AAAH HHFHFJHJSADSDADS

 **wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi:** ber jump in the pool i dont think hes waterproof today

 **back at it again at the krispy kreme:** *sighs* ill get the spray bottle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Deviant!Yahoo, who will he maim? jhfgksdfhl


	33. "bim i am HERE for your analysis and it makes complete sense / wait now i have to delete my blank/eric playlist i made for them smh"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Help girl I've become attached to a rarepair ship and I can't detach myself

10:32 pm

guys guys guys did you see the new fnaf trailer  **:you**

that night guard was lowkey kind of hot  **:you**

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)  **:you**

**spectacularshowhost:** yan literally no one will be hotter than lady dimitrescu

you right you right  **:you**

but consider  **:you**

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)  **:you**

**knockoffzuko:** yan did you mean to send a picture of hot squidward

**knockoffzuko:** please tell me you did NOT mean to send a picture of hot squidward

i meant it 😳😝🥴  **:you**

**spectacularshowhost:** i actually hate that! /gen

**insert whip crack:** bim youd fuck anything with a hole

**spectacularshowhost:** says you

**insert whip crack:** fair

anyway now that i have your attention i have an important announcement to make  **:you**

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)  **:you**

**knockoffzuko:** where are they yan

noooo dont interrupt them theyre cuddling >:(((  **:you**

**knockoffzuko:** i was going to protect them from the jims and their late night pranks but ok ig

theyre on the couch obviously  **:you**

**spectacularshowhost:** uncle mode: activated

sdkjfhgkdj  **:you**

**insert whip crack:** uh i didnt know blank was coming over tonight

neither did i until i sensed a strong wave of mlm coming from the living room  **:you**

my gaydar was going off and i suspected something was up  **:you**

jesus christ its so obvious that they like each other  **:you**

**knockoffzuko:** theyre not there anymore :(

**knockoffzuko:** when did you take that picture yan

oops like three hours ago  **:you**

**knockoffzuko:** seriously

**spectacularshowhost:** hot take but i dont think they like like each other. i think their situation has something to do with their views of affection. in this essay i will

**insert whip crack:** bim? being serious???

dont be shy drop the essay  **:you**

**spectacularshowhost:** hold on ive got to revise it in the notes app

**spectacularshowhost:** ok so erics been emotionally and physically abused for most of his life right? this poor sweet child, when presented with positive attention, does not know how to react

**spectacularshowhost:** so if blank is giving him two different types of positive attention, whether on purpose or not, eric wouldnt know the difference because hes never encountered it

**spectacularshowhost:** blank is in the same situation kind of, all he knows is pain except for whenever the cranks encounter him outside of his natural habitat

**spectacularshowhost:** blank obviously knows how to handle both platonic and romantic attraction because he lives with like three overly flirty people and his grandma

**spectacularshowhost:** but it seems like blank doesnt know the differences in GIVING that attraction. So when he makes friends with eric hes kind of confused but hes got the spirit

**spectacularshowhost:** conclusion: they ARE gay but probably not for each other only because they cant distinguish the differences between platonic and romantic love

bim i am HERE for your analysis and it makes complete sense  **:you**

wait now i have to delete my blank/eric playlist i made for them smh  **:you**

**knockoffzuko:** if only you could put that much thought into your food choices bim

**spectacularshowhost:** shut up. shut the fuck up. shut up.

**insert whip crack:** lmao should i @ eric about this

DO NOT  **:you**

I WILL GET MY KATANA AGAIN  **:you**

**knockoffzuko:** i will fistfight you if you do illy

**insert whip crack:** im a masochist @sun boi

oh no oh no oh no oh no  **:you**

**sun boi:** what’s happening?

**insert whip crack:** scroll up

**spectacularshowhost:** do not scroll up

**sun boi:** ...

**knockoffzuko:** i will fuck you up illy

**sun boi:** ...ok then

eric  **:you**

eric what does that mean  **:you**

**sun boi:** just… ok i guess

**spectacularshowhost:** um what does that mean eric

**sun boi:** if you wanted to discuss that you could’ve sent it in a separate group chat dkfjhsglhd

**sun boi:** but whatever you want to believe bim

**sun boi:** :)

eric if youre implying what i think youre implying then i cant believe i just destroyed that playlist for nothing  **:you**

**sun boi:** i found it, already made a copy of it and sent it to blank :)

**sun boi:** and that was way before today

**spectacularshowhost:** 😮🤭

**spectacularshowhost:** theory cancelled

**knockoffzuko:** maybe i wont fuck you up illy

**insert whip crack:** that takes all the fun out of it >:(

speechless. flabbergasted. but not at all surprised.  **:you**

_ angry leash child with a katana changed the chat room name from  _ **_literally the stupidest fucking thing ever_ ** _ to  _ **_eric derekson is gay for his homie pog 🥳🎉🎊_ **

_ angry leash child with a katana changed  _ **_sun boi_ ** _ ’s name to  _ **_blanket cabinet_ **

_ blanket cabinet left the chat room _

_ angry leash child with a katana added blanketboy _

  
is he blushing yet blank  **:you**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to make a whole work for this but I just couldn't capture their pure, wholesome energy  
> Also yes Bim puts more work into overanalyzing situations than his TV show and what about it 🙄  
> Also also I am so sorry about depriving you guys of fluff fics kjdfhkh, my brain has just been fixated on sadness for like the past week


End file.
